EB Games Tech Support
by LeoOsaka Bakura's stalker
Summary: CROSSOVER! Videos games face their doom in the critique of Sephiroth and Co. Warning HUMOR and game BASHING GALORE, and no video game shall go unscathed! RATING INCREASE. BEWARE OF TERRIBLY INSULTING HUMOR.
1. Day 1

_BE WARNED: This is PURELY comedy, there is in NO shape and form a REAL plot, there is massive cross overage (mainly FFVII and Tales of Phantasia) But there MAY be instances where characters are bashed on, scenarios where games and their content or morbidly bashed, but I have to say if you can't laugh at the things you like, then you don't like them enough! This is co-written by a friend and myself in an alternating patter chapter one is mine and two will be his and so forth! Further more ENJOY! _

**Xo EB Games Tech Support oX  
Chapter ONE **

"Hello, this is the tech support hotline, you may call me Sephiroth, what can I do for ya?"

"Dude… seriously, try NOT to sound so …fucking happy. It's scary…"

"Well what am I supposed to say, Dhaos?"

The two super villains stood in their office head quarters, which is really only the back room of an EB Games, and pondered upon how to go about running a video game tech support without sounding like washed up failures.

"Say what I always say!"

"And what's that, oh mighty Blonde one?"

"Hush about my hair or I'll crack on yours," Two blue eyes shot a warning look as the super villain picked up the phone nearly ringing off the hook. He covered the mouthpiece momentarily. "Okay THIS is how you answer a phone call." He spoke again however this time to the person at the other end of the phone. "EB Games Tech Support, you may call me God, what do you want? Stupid questions, might I remind you, are punishable by death."

Dhaos motioned to Sephiroth to grab the other phone to listen in. He readily retrieved the second phone and carefully listened in.

"Well you see…I'm having a bit of a problem…My game won't work and I just don't know WHAT to do!"

"Okay…Have you tried cleaning the disk?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Have you tried blowing the dust out of the inside of the platform?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure all of the cables are plugged in?"

"Uh huh…"

"Is your TV, by ANY chance, on?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, okay, well what kinda of game is it?"

"It's an X-box game…"

"Hmmm…American platform…Eh…"

"I just don't know WHAT to do! No matter WHAT I tried this game just would NOT register in my Play station 2!

Dead Silence.

"I'm hanging up on you…." Without waiting for a response the blonde god-like villain hung the phone back on its base. "Okay that wasn't a very good example…"

"Feh, Pathetic humans…"

"They are a stupid lot aren't they?"

"Hey are you guys done moping in the break room, we have like twenty people in the store and the floor has not yet been mopped!" Yazoo, who was a striking look alike to Sephiroth walked in giving both of them the arced eyebrow.

"I'm NOT mopping the floor, that's Cless's job. Or was it Cloud's? Feck, I don't know any more."

"They're molding into one person I swear."

"Hey it's not THEIR fault they look like they completely visually ripped each other off."

"I could SO alter that and make that sound incredibly dirty."

"Dhaos, you're a freak you know that?"

"Indeed."

"Hello! Come on you two! I NEED assistance!"

Grumbling, the two follow. Walking out to face the mass of brain dead teenagers who really have lost more brain cells than a Play Station Three costs in Dollars.

"I have a question." Sephiroth suddenly spoke, looking at his assistant/co worker if you could call it that.

"Shoot." The blonde replied.

"How is it that super villains like us always lose? I mean what the fuck? How could the both of us lose to a kid that, before we destroyed their homes to nothing, were like chicken ass pansies that really had no skills, could not hold a sword properly to save their lives, hell even lacked the knowledge of doing any REAL attack, yet they STILL manage to get stronger in such a short period of time, when if you think about it we would have gotten stronger too, not to mention we have the inhuman advantage, and several forms of which we can take to ensure our victory, yet no matter what we do, or even how obvious and easily avoidable the attack is we STILL have to eat all of our well thought out threats when we take the final hit and secure victory to the hands of the enemy, then generally we have to DIE but since we're so bad ass we keep coming back, yet THEY still retain the victory, and yet even though they WON, they still have to go about acting angsty and dwelling on all the bad shit and what not, and why on earth do WE, the obviously more powerful ones have to face defeat in the first place, let alone by THEM?"

"Sephiroth…"

"What?"

"I just want you to know, that I stopped listening to you about two minutes ago…"

"Dhaos…"

"Yes?"

"You can kiss my ass, you jerk off."

"Hey will you two come help us stock the new Final Fantasy 16?" Another Sephiroth look alike, by the name of Kadaj grumbled clearly not all too pleased that he had to participate at all.

"There's a Sixteen?" Sephiroth's mouth hung open as he inspected the cover.

"Apparently…Feh, but at least you people know what order your games go in…Our Tales games don't even get a numerical order….Hell all I know is that Phantasia came first…" Cless, the 'good guy, Cloud look alike' mumbled at the very fact that he was working at a fecking EB Games.

"Yeah, but at least you guys get cool names…We're just Final Fantasy…" The silver haired villain rolled his eyes.

"Could be worse…"

"How so Dhaos?"

"You could be pixilated."

"Yeah but you got an anime!"

"So did you!"

"Yeah but yours was four episodes in comparison to one!"

"Yeah well you got THREE Discs for your game!"

"Well you got a cartridge, a Play station version AND a ROM, with a kick ass translation!"

"You got a CGI movie!"

"Well YOU got a voice actor in your game and on a SNES no less, with a REAL opening theme with WORDS in it!"

"Your damn theme song is in Latin! LATIN! That doesn't compare!"

"Well you got more spells than I do!!"

"Well you can actually USE a sword!"

"My main enemy had a blonde spike of hair that gives people seizures!"

"My main enemy is a chicken ass little pansy!"

"You didn't have your main character dress in DRAG in your game!"

"You didn't have to listen to an obnoxious overly peppy song, ironically titled 'Happy happy!'"

"Ack…Uh, you actually had people feel sorry for you at the end of the game!!"

"You got to go completely INSANE! I didn't!"

"YOU didn't run around obsessing over 'MOTHER'!"

"…That tops it, dude, you win…"

"So HA!"

"You do realize that you just told me that my game is better than yours right? Thus making me better than you…" The blonde smirked.

"What? I di- …FUCK!"

Sephiroth silently glared at Dhaos, who was too busy doing a mental victory dance to take much notice. Both of them however looked up when a handful of teenagers walked in. Sighing they both took their places behind the counter, sporting nametags that read: 'EB Games Assistant Manager Sephiroth', and 'EB Games Manager, Fuck yourself and Die human.'

"Dude, Heero is gonna fire you ass if you don't fix your name tag…"

"So? Let him fire me." Dhaos snorted.

"This job is protecting you from rabid fan girls…"

"I have rabid fan girls?"

"Apparently so."

"Feck."

"Uh guys, I'm taking a fifteen minute break!" Cloud called hauling ass toward the door.

"WHY?"

"Someone just called me and told me Chun Li demolished my Buick with her legs!" He pulled off his nametag and threw it on the counter, not willing to let any one who didn't NEED to see it be aware he worked at a fecking EB Games.

"You have a Buick?" Kadaj blinked. "Brother, you're a lamer."

"I'm NOT your brother half pint!" Cloud finalized as he ran out.

"Eh, looks like that back or teenagers is heading toward us…" Sephiroth sighed.

"Do us all a favor Seph, DON'T monologue them to death, how about this let ME talk and you can answer the phone."

"Fine fine, whatever…put ME on Tech Support…You asked for it buddy."

XxX

_I hope you enjoyed that somewhat XDDD! My horrible humor sometimes makes me sad XD!_


	2. Day 2

_Warning: This part was written by my friend who is very much so for crude humor xD So if you can't take jokes and just plain wrong humor than I'd advise ou leave XD This is a cross over for many games and anime, so if you don't know a lot from both categories this may not make sense to you XD nerd power! enjoy!_

**EB Games tech Support  
Part 2**

As the droves of mindless zombies (aka teenagers) poured in through the doors of E.B. games the managers, Dhaos and Sephiroth began to actually do their job.

"Hi, um..." the nerd looked closely at Dhaos' nametag "Mr... Fuck Yourself and Die Human, I have a question."

"What do you have a problem with? The fuck yourself part, or the dying part?"

"Well, it's about this game... I bought it a long time ago, see. And I have been a subscriber, and played this game for well over 400 hours, and I'll be damned if I can actually find a plot in it... Or hell even a point or objective. lol"

After he was done cringing from the fact that this person actuallyl used lol as spoken word, Dhaos spoke "Ingrate-" He was cut off as he saw from the corner of his eye Heero pointing a gun at him from behind the Guidebook section. "Tch, not like you'll fire it..."

"What?"

"Oh, er uh, what is the game? Let me see it." and Dhaos mumbled something under his breath to the effect of "you piece of Elephant shit"

"Here it is."

"Let's see... World of Warcraft... Wow... You bought this game yes?

"Yes"

"And you expected a plot?"

"Yes lol"

He cringed again. "You expected there to be an actual point in the game other than it just draining ridiculous amounts of time and money out of your life?"

"Yes"

"You didn't by chance just move here from under a fucking rock did you?"

A silent shot wizzed by Dhaos head and he quickly changed the sentance.

"That is... Dear valued customer... MMORPG's have no point and no story. You see, they are intended for 35 year old failures to play in their basements while their 60 year old mothers pay for them to have a computer with a 600 dollar graphics card and T1 internet connection."

"I see... Can I get a refund lol?"

"No."

"O RLY?"

Dhaos immediately thrust his hands on to the table and yelled "FUCK, YA RLY!"

"lolz k"

Heero caught Dhaos in the side with a rubber bullet thus making him make an embarrassing poot noise. Sephiroth, who was on the phone with someone who got a joystick stuck up their ass, had to look up from his picture drawing and go "Oh god! You know how small this desk is? NOT COOl, NOT COOL MAN!"

Arche flew by and was immediately knocked off her broom by the sheer... shall we say 'turbulance'?

"That's it!" Dhaos stood on top of the managers desk and began to speak very loudly thus rendering the entire shop silent "HUMANS SUCK! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF STUPID PIG FUCKERS AND I HOPE YOU GET LARINGITUS, AIDS, HEMEROIDS, GENITAL HERPES, SYPHOLIS, MICHAEL JACKSON DANCING SYNDROME, TYPHUS, LUPUS, I HOPE LOCUSTS INVADE ALL OF YOU FUCKERS HOUSES AND RAPE YOUR ASS. AS A MATTER OF FACK, FUCK YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YO- URK!" This time a real bullet caught Dhaos right square in the ass, he looked over at Heero, only Heero wasn't holding the gun. Instead he had a shocked (gasp emotion?) look on his face as Sephiroth stood with a smoking pistol in hand.

"Why...why?"

"I'll not have you going on long speeches."

"But, you do all the-" BANG "That was my foot asshole!"

"Any more comments you'd like to add?" And Sephiroth put the gun to Dhaos' (beautiful) crotch.

"No, that'll be all" said the blondie in sign language, and he climbed down from the desk and resumed his job as normal.

"EB Games tech support hotline, this is Sephiroth, thrice revived, speaking."

"High, I'm having some problems playing Half-Life 2 on my computer"

"Did you install it?"

"Yeah lol"

Sephiroth cringed at the fact that for the fourth time today 'lol' was used as spoken word. "Well.. Um, did you check to see that ALL of the files installed properly?"

"Oh yeah dude, they are all there. Its like 6 gigs omg."

Another cringe bordering on a an aneurism "Are you connected to the internet? You have to be for the game to install."

"Yes I'm connected lol"

"Hm... Whats your connection speed?"

"lol 28k n00b"

The silver-haired god felt a shiver run up and down his spine "Dare I ask... What kind of computer that is?"

"Why j00 want to know? My computer is teh 1337, its a windows 94 f00l. lol"

"... You do know that Half Life 2 came out way the fuck above 94 right?"

"Yeah"

"And you know that it takes a demon of a computer to run it anyway right?"

"And?"

"So... you need a new computer."

"O RLY? NO WAI!"

Sephiroth slammed his fist into the managers desk and yelled into the phone "YA RLY, YES FUCKIN WAY. JUST FOR THAT I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO SUMMONING NOVA ON YOUR GAY FUDGE-PACKIN STUPID ASS!" and with an even harder slam Sephiroth slammed the phone. And together, him and Dhaos simply left the store, lighting their name tags on fire simultaneously. Heero tried to stop them at the door, but when he saw how sick they looked he actually had pity on them.

**To be continued...**

_Seph: I fuckin Hate the internet  
Dhaos: I would.. If it wasn't for the fact that that's the only way anyone can ever know about me..._


	3. Day 3

_This chapter is back to me! WARNING CRUDE HUMOR! If you didn't get the idea from the first two chapters, then...o.o what exactly are you doing XD?!_

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 3**

Dhaos and Sephiroth grumbled as they walked into EB Games, some what disappointed that they still had jobs. Apparently they were an asset to Heero's amusement. A sick and twisted amusement that is.

"Dude, you're taking phones today." Sephiroth said without hesitation.

"No fucking way man, I hate taking phones. Humans piss me off and if I have to talk to them face to face then I can at least cast some high powered and overly dramatic spell to kill their asses dead. Or at least dead as they can get when you have pansies like Cless and Cloud around to revive them."

"Let me cry for you?"

"You suck man."

"Depends on what form of suck we're talking..."

"Like the bad kind."

"...Wait, there's a good kind? I was just making a cheap come back that really didn't work except to make me sound even more gay than the average fanfiction writer seems to make me."

"Hey girls, time to stock more useless video games!" Yazoo called to his fellow workers.

"What the fuck Yazoo, you look more like a girl than I do!" Sephiroth.

"So what must we waste our lives stocking?"

"Oh you know, the usual...Mario has a new game."

"Shit what's it this time?"

"Mario Shuffle Board. I guess they thought Mario had been around long enough, to warrent a game that equalled it's complete selloutness, only this time for the elderly."

Dhaos looked at the cover and cringed, discreetly slipping it into the trash can. "Dude, can't we PLEASE NOT work here anymore?"

"Zomg, fuck no you did NOT just use a double negatives..."

"You just did too Sephiroth!"

"Sorry the internet is corrupting me..."

"You should be ashamed..."

Before the two could begin their endless argument about the loserness of the internet, the phone rang, and Dhaos begrudingly picked up the phone.

"What the FUCK do you want?" He growled but coughed when he saw THAT look Heero was giving him. "How may I help you person that keeps us in business therefore forcing me into this job and making me face humiliation everyday of being a washed up super villain that just does not get enough love and has to face the fact that I was pwned by a mere human and spends all of my days telling people that they SUCK because there human and facing THAT look Sephiroth keeps giving me because I'm totally indirectly trashing him with this very obnoxious monologue in hopes that not only will you hang up and save me the trouble of continuing this but that Sephiroth will realize how much of a fuck tard he sounds like when he goes all long and dramatic with words and acting all cryptic when no one REALLY knows what the fuck he's saying yet he STILL gets massive love because he's part of a mainstream SCAM created by Square Soft and along with that I'm sincerely hoping to NOT get shot again but I just don't care because I learned a nice new move called WALL, and why the hell that wasn't in MY game I'd like to know but it's apparently working and you STILL have not hung up, which is pissing me off greatly because I'm seriously running out of breath as I am not as practiced with monologuing as Sephiroth, who's currently giving me the eat shit and die right now look, which is kind of funny because I'm not going to stop, because this is actually quite amusing, not that I get to have much amusement, because I'm suppose to be DEAD thanks to a certain obnoxious blonde and his friends, who SHOULD NOT HAVE DEFEATED me, as I was SO SERIOUSLY stronger than they are by like half a million hit points, and I can fecking cast an ultimate destruction attack, yet a few sword slashes beat me EVEN in my demonic scary looking form that for what ever reason made my arm a separate entity to be destroyed which makes absolutely no sense like every other fecking RPG in history, more or less the Final Fantasy Series, which will NEVER end as it's already been proven by the countless games made, but then again it COULD be worse, it COULD be kingdom hearts, which doesn't even deserve capital letters at the beginning of its name, and now I'm laughing at Sephiroth because he got PWNED by a kid with a key and a sect of Disney fecking characters, not to mention PWNED by that blonde EMO kid not but like five minutes after he was revived again, which really makes me question why the fuck all the GOOD GUYS have a BLONDE hair, granted I'm blonde but how often do you see a BLONDE BAD GUY, the answer is you don't, because apparently blonde isn't cool enough, only silver, well guess what buddy, you damnable human, you can go fuck yourself because I could SOOO beat Sephiroth in a fight and I can monologue like a bitch too, Sephy's not the only bad ass villain here, so take your damn video game and shove it up your ass, because I don't wanna help you ignorant humans who can't seemed to realize that you cannot stick a fucking cartridge in a Play Station 3 and that a PSP does NOT I repeat CANNOT play Game boy games, and that NO you cannot use a X-Box Controller on a Fecking Sega Genesis, which I really don't understand how one can be so FUCKING stupid, but you've got three seconds to explain why you're calling or I swear to Gaia I'll just blow this fecking planet into space dust!"

The other line became very quiet.

"WELL?!"

"...Dhaos are you having a bad day?" The person finally spoke.

"Oh...Cless...Fuck...I just wasted a perfectly usable monologue on YOU!"

"It's not MY fault..."

"Well stupidblondeasshole, what do you want?"

"I'm calling in sick."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Actually I'm not an evil washed up hasbeen, so I can. Tell Heero I'll make up my hours later! Have fun, sonofabitchblondeshithead!" Click.

"The fuck?...There is an INJUSTICE IN THIS SOMEWHERE!"

"HEY THAT's MY LINE!"

Dhaos turned to see Wufei giving him the 'evil eye', Chinese style.

"WAAAH? Don't I get ANY fucking reprieve!???" The blonde villain whined before getting smacked over the head with a two by four, held by Sephiroth.

"THAT'S FOR TOPPING MY LONGEST MONOLOGUE!" He swung again, hitting him in the back of the head. "THAT'S FOR thinking you can kick MY ass!" Another hit. "That's for patronizing me!!" A final swing. "And THAT'S FOR BEATING ME IN SOUL CALIBER III YESTERDAY!"

"OW OW OW AND FUCKING OWWW! I thought you were OVER THAT?!"

"You beat me with LINK! I AM NOT OVER IT!" Another SWING.

"OW! PUT THE BLOODY TWO BY FOUR DOWN ASSHOLE!"

"MAKE ME!"

"WHAT YOU WANNA PEICE OF ME?!"

"BRING IT ASSHOLE!"

"FINE I WILL BUT WHEN I SLAUGHTER YOUR ASS DON'T GO BITCHING TO HEERO!"

"OH PLEASE, ALL YOU DO IT TALK!"

"ALL -I- DO IS TALK? YOU'RE THE ONE HAVING A BITCH FIT BECAUSE I CAN MONOLOGUE JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!"

"CAN NOT!"

"CAN TOO!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"SHUT UP!!!"

"MAKE ME!"

Two shots sounded and both villains shut up instantly as they watched the two bullets fly only inches from their faces, they turned expecting to see Heero scolding them but instead they found Vincent.

"If you don't shut up I will fire again. You both know my aim is horrible, so let's just say I aim for that very spot those bullets just hit, chances are I'll miss and hit both of you. So DON'T make me miss again!"

The two looked at each other.

"Uh...how about a rematch?" Sephiroth said.

"Name the game."

"Sonic II, 2 player version."

"You're on."

And they both left for the back room, a.k.a. the employee 'sit on your ass and play video games' lunch break room.

**To be continued...**

_To those of you reading this, I'm glad you're enjoying it XD! I had fun writing it and it's a major stress reliever...if you're worried that i'm not getting anything done because of this done! This has been prewritten up to chapter 5 XD!_


	4. Day 4

_I'm gonna go ahead and warn you Baka-chan (the co-author of this story) is a very disturbed individual XD And you may find his humor that way as well XD! **CRUDE HUMOR ALERT!** Enjoy!_

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 4**

"Hey man, I have a question." Sephiroth, a.k.a. GOD said as he hung up on another customer.

"Yeah, what is it." Asked Dhaos still smiling after the fact that he was able to sell an Xbox360.

"Which you like better… Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis? I myself prefer Genesis."

"What's your problem man, SNES all the way. Genesis had 32-bit graphics sure, but where were the games man? Where's the selection? Up Sega's ass that's where."

"Yeah, but Sega had classics like Sonic The Hedgehog and Earthworm Jim…"

"And? So what, SNES had most of the Final Fantasies, though mediocre as they may be, it also had Super Mario, Mario Kart, Street Fighter, hell, it even had a Spawn game come out for it! And Spawn owns!"

"Yeah! Well Genesis had Michael Jackson's Moonwalker, and that game rocked!"

"Tch, you're a frikkn' queer I swear. Hey what do you want?" a customer walked up to the counter interrupting their conversation.

"Well… you see… I was playing the Gameboy Advance version of Tales of Phantasia, I'm nineteen hours into it and I'm fighting you right."

"And?" Dhaos spouted impatiently.

"Well, I was kind of wondering how to kick your ass and find the last sum-" the snot faced teenage customer was nearly jerked out of his clothes as Dhaos hoisted him off the ground by his collar.

"So you mean you're trying to get me to tell you how to kick my ass? First of all, why don't you play the SNES version, you know the one that doesn't suck ass. And second, how the hell you gonna ask me something like that? Did OJ ask that girl how to kill her?"

"Well…er uh I dunno…"

"HELLZ NO HE DIDN'T! Now, I'm gonna give you exactly fifteen seconds to go over to that shelf, and destroy every copy of that game we have."

"But sir… Isn't that ya know, Illegal?"

"Not on my watch, now just do it!"

"Well OK." The nerd walked over nervously to the GBA stand holding multiple grotesque titles.

"Hey! And destroy all of the Kingdom Hearts games in the entire store! They let that fag kick my ass!" Sephiroth yelled as he held the phone away from his mouth. "Anyway, so where exactly DID you plug the joystick?"

The nerd gathered up all of the games that were never meant to exist and put them in a stack on a PS2 box. He looked at them for a long time, trembling, sweating, nervous.

"Now, your gonna take this gun that Sephiroth stole from the boss, and shoot the living hell out of those games." Dhaos said as he handed the boy the gun, which he accepted with a trembling hand. He then stood staring at the games holding the gun out from in front of him and shaking.

"JUST FUCKIN' DO IT ALREADY!"

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! The little boy shot the living shit out of those cursed games, each one becoming nothing more than broken melted plastic as he did so.

"OH NO! SECURITY! SECURITY!" Sephiroth yelled, and soon Chuck Norris flew through the store and landed a roundhouse kick straight to the boys face. He fell limp to the ground and didn't move… Save for twitching. And just like that, Chuck was gone.

"Oh no, we have to close the store due to a security breech. Hey man, call Heero and tell him that Oz is invading."

"No problem." Dhaos began dialing the phone, and before it even rang the manager picked up. "Hey boss… Wait, how the hell did you pick up the phone before it even rang?"

"All things mechanical are a part of me… Now what is it?"

"Well… Uh… We've had a security breech in the store! Oz is here, and they've brought a bunch of mobile suits and junk."

"MISSION ACCEPTED, YOU ARE DISMISSED FROM WORK."

"Sweet." Sephiroth and Dhaos gave each other a quick, and obscenely gay high five. They began to walk out of the store, passing a shocked and horrified Filia, who had blood all over her. They walked out of the store and into the parking lot, where Sephiroth stopped them in front of a pair of identical blue cars.

"Hey man, why are we stopping in front of these cars? You know we don't drive…"

"Hush, put this on." Sephiroth handed Dhaos a red bandana, and while Dhaos put that on Sephiroth put on a short spiky blond wig.

"What the hell man?"

"Look, just get in that car, and I'll get in this one. We can use a low level cast of Fire to start the engine, and last I checked we are both good at that."

"Alright, but you better explain this."

"No problem," Said Sephiroth as he and Dhaos got into their designated cars. They both rolled down their windows and Sephiroth began "OK, you ever play a game called driver?"

"No…"

"God! And who are you to call me queer then?! OK, anyway… Driver was a game where you basically floor it in your seemingly indestructible car and try to ram other cars."

"That's it? Sounds like a pretty cheap game play mechanic…"

"Not at all! See, there are rules. Depending on the car and the damage points are awarded. Now since this is real life, we are just going to make a simple point arrangement. Cars give you 100 points, Vans give you 150 if your car survives, Humans give you 250, unless they are black because that would be a hate crime… And children give you 500 each."

"So basically what you're saying is… We are going to settle our dispute over which system owns by slaying masses of innocence?

"Yeah exactly."

"Sweet."

And with that the two deranged and oddly costumed men took off and began their slaughter. Sephiroth simply floored it and spun out a bit, while Dhaos started off a little easier and was out of the parking lot just ahead of Sephiroth. Within no time each psycho/GOD was bashing cars left and right, and then they saw it; the God of all targets, that one thing you have always wanted to run over but were to chicken-shit to do it: a group of nuns.

Both of them saw the nuns at the same time and Sephiroth drove alongside Dhaos.

"Hey man, those are mine!"

"Nonsense! I will have to use the old cliché 'I saw them first bit'!"

"Tcha!"

Their cars were neck and neck, and neither one was slowing down. There was a few loud thumps as both of them hit a child or two, and a few full size adults. But they were nothing, nuns are special prey, like a rhino or something. They had to be taken out in a particular manner, and had to die completely. The nuns, unlike normal people, are valued right up there with church choirs: around 25,000 points.

"MINE, BITCH, MINE!"

Dhaos argued as he dodged a black kid (hate crime remember) and hit a whitie. The group of nuns seemed to know what was happening, so from their cloaks they pulled out not regular rulers, I'm talking huge fuckin' meter sticks. Well then again… a meter stick can only be 3ft…. so I guess that doesn't classify as huge…. Unless it's your wang… Anyway, where was I… Oh yeah… Oh fuck! They're about to hit the nuns now, lets watch!

"YEEEEEEEEEHAW!" Dhaos yelled as his car went bump bump from the now dead bodies of nuns passing under it.

"W007 W007!" Yelled Sephiroth as he did the same. There were old women bouncing around everywhere, some hit light poles, others hit other cars, hell a few of them even hit the church, which is all ironic and stuff.

"Did you see that shit?!" yelled Dhaos into Sephiroth's car as they drove alongside each other.

"Yeah man, woot woot! Hey, what's your score?"

'Well, lets see…" Dhaos flipped out a notebook with the words 'Today's Body Count' written on it. "I have about 424,569.5!"

"How the fuck did you get the point 5?"

"I hit some asshole who was crippled… I think his last name was Reeves or something like that. What's your score?"

"Son of a bitch, you're not going to believe this but, well, we're tied…"

"How did you get a point 5 then?"

"I hit a kid who was half-black."

"Borderline hate-crime man, not cool. Hey, who the hell is that?"

In the review mirror appeared a white car with red paint, a giant number 5 was on the front, and some horribly animated gay kid was driving it. Dhaos and Sephiroth gave each other knowing looks, this could be a tie breaker.

"Hey guys, is there a bridge out anywhere? I have to drive really fast on it and make a daring survival while going on and on about how long and treacherous this race is even though it's my own damn fault for signing up for it and I really have no right to bitch just because I get a little jolt in the arse here and there from potholes in the pavement at about 200 miles per hour."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Simultaneously both of them yelled as they started ramming the Mach 5.

"You're on a bridge, moron!" Sephiroth said as his car rammed into the white one, leaving a great dent all down the side.

"What the hell are you two doing?!"

"Tie breaker!" Both of them yelled simultaneously…they have a bad habit of that.

"Tch, fuck this!" Speed Racer hit the breaks in his car, thus causing Sephiroth to accidentally ram Dhaos off the bridge completely.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" was all that could be heard from Dhaos' car while it plummeted toward the water and hit it with a satisfying 'sploosh'.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit…" Sephiroth sped up and just kept trying.

"You're a dirty son of a bitch, you know that?"

"WHOLY FUCK! How did you get in my car?!"

"Teleportation, all villains have it."

"Tch, I bet you use it a lot…"

"Of course I do. To go to the bathroom, get groceries, buy por- hey wait, what did you mean?"

"Oh nothing, just saying you run like a little bitch is all…"

"Fuck you man! You wanna go down in a car like that? Kia's are feckin death traps I swear…"

"True, true…. Well that was a bust, our scores are even. What are we supposed to do now man?"

"Just watch." Dhaos said as he pulled four bags out of his pockets. Two of them filled with green leaves, and the other with a mysterious white powder.

"You gonna share right?"

Dhaos threw the bags out of the window saying "Those aren't for us, we have to get back to EB, the security breech is probably over by now."

"Yeah."

A few driving violations and fart jokes later…"

"OK, before we go in light your wig on fire."

"What?"

"Just do it."

Both of them lit their wigs on fire, something their very good at doing. They both proceeded to put on their name tags and go in to EB games, the cops were in the middle of the store talking to Heero, something which takes balls.

"Dude, is that security breech still working? Fuck! I woulda had time to hit up the preschool up the road!"

"No no, just watch."

"Those two? They're over there" Heero pointed to the corner of the store that sells Pokemon games where Cless and Cloud were bitching about whether Red version or Blue version was better.

"You know what? Fuck you! I got Charizard, all you have on your cover is that fat piece of shit!"

"He's not fat! It's the shell…."

"Yeah right. Hey what is it officer?"

"Are you Cloud Strife?"

"Yes officer. Look, if this is about the dead hookers I can expla-"

"Shut it. And you sir, are you Cless?"

"Yes sir."

"Look, I have eyewitness reports saying that you two took off in stolen vehicles, cursed each other in public, ran over a few dozen children and adults, mowed down a school of nuns (without mercy might I add) and proceeded to attempt to murder one of T.V's most beloved icons."

"We didn't do tha-!"

"SHUT IT BITCH FACE!" The cop yelled at Cless. "And to make it worse, we found two bags of marijuana and two bags of cocaine. Witnesses say that after your killing spree you got all coked up and went back to work. Isn't that right Cloud?"

"Oh… my names not Cloud it's…… Silly McFuckpants.

"Your nametag says otherwise."

"Officer, I swear on the Mana tree we didn't have nothing to do with this!"

"You just proved you did by using a double negative you sick son of a bitch! Now I'm having you arrested for disturbing the peace and being an all around annoying dumb-shit. You can come quietly, or I can have Chuck here kick your ass." Officer P. Nis handcuffed the boys and carried them away to the station, where they were cavity searched and more than likely anal raped. Such pretty boys… I mean poor souls.

Dhaos and Sephiroth headed to the urinals and began having a nice victory pee…

"You maniacal son of a bitch! That was genius!"

"Heh, I know."

"Shit dude, I never would have thought that would work! High five man, high five!" Sephiroth held up his hand, and Dhaos blatantly ignored it. "The hell, don't leave me hangin man!"

"Do you know why I hate humans?"

"Why"

"Because of this very thing. On my planet a mid-stream high-five, or any physical contact whatsoever is forbidden. The last person who tried to give me a high-five during mid-stream is now breathing out of his anus and- hey! Why did you're eyes get all big?"

Sephiroth looked up quickly "Oh… nothing!"

"Ha, you know you're impressed."

**To be Continued...**

* * *

_Sephiroth: I'm not gay I swear! I was looking at your coat!  
Dhaos: Oh and by coat you mean my dick?  
Sephiroth: … No really, it's a nice coat!  
Dhaos: First choosing Genesis over SNES now this? You must be queer…_


	5. Day 5

_Once again, crude humor warning!_

**EB Games Tech Support  
Chapter 5**

"Hey Dhaos…"

"What?"

"We never did resolve which platform, between SNES and SEGA, was better…"

"Come on man, we killed a group of nuns and got the blonde bitches arrested, I think it stands to think that both systems pwn."

"But seriously, I want to know which one people think is better."

"Hmmm…Hey Yazoo which one do you think is better?" Dhaos looked at the Sephiroth clone.

"Totally SEGA they has Sonic II. Which PWNS, and I can totally name every level in that game, the boss and hum the midi music that goes with it. IN ORDER."

"Dear god, spare me and forget I asked." Dhaos turns to Sephiroth. "That so did not count because he's technically a fragment of you, or what ever bullshit your creators tried to pass off with."

In the background Kadaj blinks. "Is it just me, or do I sense a MAJOR plot hole?"

"Dude, you wait until day FIVE to mention the obvious plot hole? You're slow." Yazoo replies, and we return back to Dhaos and Sephiroth.

"Okay man, I know, we'll ask Heero! He knows which one is better for sure!" Dhaos finally concluded.

"Dude, what's it matter to you anyways? YOUR game didn't even come out on either system…Ha Super Famicom my ass. Tch what a lamer."

"Oh you know what, suck my balls man, suck my balls, and not even in a gay manner."

"Tch, fine we'll ask Heero, he'll know the right answer."

The two approach Heero, who is a fortified God of everything machines, and they wait for him to address them, for Heero is the only being in the world who can intimidate the likes of Sephiroth and Dhaos.

"What?" Heero looks at them both.

"Uh, we were kinda curious, of which you think is better between the Sega and the Super Nintendo."

"Hmmm, I always much preferred Atari to the two of them."

"WHAT? NO WAY!" Dhaos and Sephiroth spoke in unison, then wordlessly glared at each other.

"Hey guys, guess what?" Yazoo called from the other side of the small store.

"What?" Sephiroth turned and looked.

"We got in the new NA-RU-TO game for insert every system known to man because NA-RU-TO is a sellout."

"NA-RU-TO sucks…" Dhaos blinked. "I'm mean WHAT kinda Ninja wears bright fucking orange? I mean Taki at LEAST can wear red and get away with it! Well she's got breasts so that makes up for it, but COME ON!"

"Fuck man, when was the last time you looked in a mirror? I mean fucking A you two might be related in some distant dimension."

"Ouch man, ouch." Dhaos glared. "But seriously! At least MY hair is blonde AND pretty! And I get away with orange because people on my planet are most likely color blind ANYWAYS."

"Nice man, nice. Racism at its finest."

"So? Who want to help me stock the new NA-RU-TO game?" Yazoo asked.

"Into the trash can you mean?"

"Oh yes of course."

"I'll help." Dhaos and Sephiroth spoke in unison.

"So…What's THIS game about?" Sephiroth looked down at the overly bright color with a blonde, black haired and pink haired character.

"Well you see, you have a 30 minute opening sequence in which the characters perform lots of random jitsu's. Including; nin-jitsu, ju-jitsu, up-your-ass-and-around-the-corner-jitsu, total-yaoi-fangirl-magentic-jitsu, NA-RU-TO-totally-rapes-Sasuke-jitsu, and finally, ramen-flying-monkeys-of-wanna-be-ninja-gay-orgy-jitsu. Then you talk for about 6 hours of game play, then you fight for about three minutes, then another 9 hours of talking screens, then you fight a main boss in which you defeat him in an utterly gay manner, with the ultimate jitsu, omfgpwnsj00newbs-jitsu. And then you have a 3 hour video sequence in which you flash back the entire game, then you have to play again to make it reinforced, in which your head promptly explodes and you in essence BECOME one of them…Therefore converting you to master the use of NA-RU-TO-fecking-sucks-balls-but-I'm-an-obsessed-fan-anyways-jitsu."

"Yazoo."

"Yes, Sephiroth?"

"You are an ASSHOLE."

"Thank you Sephiroth."

"And so WHY do people play this game?" Dhaos asked.

"Because the anime was about as long in episodes as your game had random battles." Yazoo replied.

"…Damn…Like that's a lot of fecking episodes."

"You know, it's funny, because I can't remember a single episode that didn't have an overly cliché 'zomg' I'm gonna either 'cry, kick your ass, or make a bad yaoi/yuri implication'…NO wonder people think Sasuke is gay…" Zechs, who just literally popped out of nowhere like people do in animes, said.

"Oh like you're on to talk blondie. What with you and those pants being so tight and all…" Dhaos tolled his eyes.

"HEY! You're wearing SPENDEX! You know that spandex is EVIL unless worn by the boss!(Heero)"

"So?"

"Okay children, we were having a NA-RU-TO bashing fest here, bash each other when we're off the clock."

"We're NEVER off the clock!! And who the fuck is Sasuke?!" Dhaos blinked.

"Sasuke is from NA-RU-TO. He's the OVERLY loved brat that everyone wants to bone, yet he's a total asshole."

"Kinda like you, eh, Yazoo?"

"Yeah…kinda…"

"Heh, I remember one quote from the NA-RU-TO dubbed version, 'Why are they getting so worked up just LOOKING at each other!?' And he was talking about the two CHICKS man! There's a conspiracy around NA-RU-TO, I KNOW there's secretly lesbian porn all over that series! But they don't make it obvious enough for the (heh) naked eye to catch! Which is WRONG because that series would be so much more pwnsome if there WAS lesbian porn all over it!"

"You're a freak Yazoo…"

"Oh come on like you don't think about it too! You're a GUY! I mean, Hell Zechs those pants are tight enough to at least give THAT away."

"What the hell man? Why are you looking?!"

"I WASN'T! It's hard to miss!"

"I won't EVEN make the bad 'haw haw you said hard' joke." Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

"Uh dude, you kinda did…"

"Shut up Dhaos before I beat you with this meter stick."

"Oh dear, whatever shall I do! I'm being threatened with the metric system!"

"Tch, you know in AMERICA that WOULD be a terrifying thing."

"Ooooh, man I sense a burn…"

"Indeed."

"HEY will you two shut up we got another shipment in a few minutes ago. Apparently now when you buy the NA-RU-TO game you get a free Ninja too."

"O RLY?" Sephiroth asked.

"YA RLY."

"NO WAI!"

"I won't bother to even ask…I just…won't." Dhaos shrugged. "So what do we DO with said Ninja?"

"I say we fight to the death and reign victorious over the group of NA-RU-TO rejects!"

"Sephiroth, you DO realize you're standing in a PUBLIC place while doing that obscenely gay Power Rangers pose…."

"I'm not gay man I SWEAR!"

"Okay how about this?" Dhaos held his hand out and formed a considerable ball of energy then released it, obliterating half of the store, all of the NA-RU-TO games and about five sixths of the ninjas.

"Dude, way to go…You just KILLED that adventure in one fail swoop."

"I want to go home…My work is done, now I can."

"Dhaos you're a bastard…"

"I know."

The two leave the store.

"Oh and you REALLY need to change your name Tag man."

"I thought 'eat shit and die human' was appropriate."

"Yeah when Heero sees that and he shoots you you'll be saying that."

"Ah just shut up and get in the car."

"We don't drive."

Dhaos gives a wicked grin as he breaks into Zech's car. "Precisely."

**  
To be Continued...**

* * *


	6. Day 6

_My partner's chapter! I must warn you he's a little more crude with his humor than I xD So if you're easily offended then I suggest you turn backnow XD_

****

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 6**

"Damn it" Dhaos began as he was leaving the previously on fire storage room "that was the twelfth terrorist attack today."

Sephiroth looked up from his Spawn comic and spoke "I'll never understand those damned rebel spies… Hey, did you ever find something funny about Spawn being an undead black guy?"

"No, not really, why?"

"O.K, in the book, Spawn, a.k.a. Al Simmons, worked for a big organization and was killed by assassination via a fire right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well, he died and went to hell wherein he was resurrected as Spawn."

"Where are you trying to go with this?"

"Well… why did Al Simmons go to hell? He lead a good life, he wasn't gay or anything either, the only problem I see was the fact that he was black. And that, my friend, means that Todd McFarlene (Creator) is a racist pig."

"Huh….. it kind of makes sense… Hey, what do you want?" Dhaos said as he looked up to a very angry, and very familiar, black man.

"Tch, that's fucked up! I hope you two burn in hell real soon! Damned honkeys!" Barrett spat as he stomped out of the store, throwing his copy of Mario Shuffleboard in the trash on the way out.

"Wonder what's eating him…" Sephiroth said as he obliviously turned the page in his comic. Dhaos then proceeded to smack his hand down on the comic saying:

"What the fuck man! You just implied that all black people go to hell IN FRONT of a black man! Sometimes I wonder how you've stayed alive all this time."

"Yeah… I wonder that too sometimes…" as Sephiroth finished the phone began ringing. He instinctively pulled a quarter out and flipped it, landing on heads. "Ha ha, your turn, Dhaos."

"Damn it." Dhaos picked up the phone "Hello?"

"Hi, this is the NAACP, we have a complaint abo-" click.

"Another stupid customer?"

"Something like that."  
Another nerdy, undoubtedly virgin customer walked in and he began "Hi, do you guys have Kingdom Hearts Two, Final Fantasy Twelve, Dirge Of Cerberus, and Yugioh GX for PS2 in?"

"Let me check," Dhaos said as he walked into the smoking storage room. "Mmm…" he said as he looked around at the ashes and melted plastic "Nope, don't see any."

"Excuse me sir but, why is your store room smoking?"

"Terrorists, now leave!"

As the boy left the store Sephiroth asked "Dhaos, I thought the terrorists only caught the PSP games on fire, the PS2 games should have been perfectly safe."

"Well, they would have been, but last night I kind of soaked them all in… a fire retardant substance."

"You poured pure gasoline all over them didn't you?"

Dhaos bowed his head in silent guilt. Just then a blonde haired girl in a pink dress with red bows in her hair walked in. She walked on red high heels kind of awkwardly and had bright blue eyes.

"Hi," she began in an odd tone "I would like to buy a copy of the new Sailor Moon game for Playstation2."

"Sure." Dhaos said as he reached behind the counter to grab one of those pink packaged games. "That'll be forty-two dollars and twenty-three cents" The girl proceeded to pull out a wallet and hand him the exact amount of money. "Wow, you sure had that calculated well didn't ya?" Dhaos said as he handed her the game in one of those nifty ebgames bags. But as she tried to put her wallet back up a picture fell out, which Dhaos quickly picked up.

"Let me see that card." Sephiroth said as he snatched it from Dhaos. He then began to read it "'Certification of Discharge from Soldier for Cloud Stri…." Sephiroth then got very very pale, even more pale than usual and silently handed the card back to the 'girl' who left the shop in an odd rush.

"What's up man?" Dhaos inquired.

"That card… was one given to a retired soldier…"

"Wow… wouldn't imagine a beautiful girl like that to be in soldier. Good thing I didn't try to follow her to her car or anything."

Sephiroth turned towards Dhaos with a very grave expression "The card said that it was issued to Cloud Strife…"

"You mean that girl was… Oh god." Dhaos grabbed up an EbGames bag and proceeded to vomit in a horrifically violent manner. Which proceeded for the rest of the day.

**To be continued...**

* * *

_That wasn't meant to offend anyone if it did. It's all in fun guys XD_


	7. Day 7

_My chapter, insert obvious warning of content here._

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 7**

"Okay so you're telling me that simply because it's against company policy that I can't hang deceased human bodies from the ceiling?" Dhaos asked as he and Sephiroth walked into the store to start yet another day working at Eb Games.

"That's what the manual says…Section 6 on page 66, it says 'All store employees are prohibited from displaying deceased human corpses, during store hours.' So I assume that means no…"

"Well it said DURING store hours…"

"Dude you need counseling…" The silver haired man shook his head, while attaching his nametag, which had obvious blood smears on it.

"So do you asshole." Dhaos snorted and gave a 'what up' wave to Yazoo. "What's new on the agenda today, down syndrome boy?"

"Oh I thought I'd spend the morning destroying all copies of your game and thus your existence…" Yazoo replied.

"Ouch man…just ouch."

"You started it, yo."

"Okay RENO." Sephiroth mumbled sarcastically, earning the middle finger from a normally stoic Yazoo. Sephiroth blinked at him. "Dude, what's YOUR problem today? You're usually not THIS uptight…"

"They want to cast me for Kingdom Hearts 9.0!"

"…Holy shit man, that's tragic! I mean there couldn't possibly be anything worse! Kill me now Dhaos! For him to say that means we have to endure 7 more KH games! I can't STAND IT! I lost to a kid with a FUCKING KEEEEY!" The silver haired man screeched all the while yanking at his quite long hair.

"I'm gonna laugh when you pull out that girlish hair of yours." Dhaos snorted.

"Oh screw you man, you're just as girly as I am! Actually MORE! Because I wear leather and YOU wear SPANDEX!"

"Oh go die…again!"

"LIKE YOU'RE one to TALK! You die as many times as I do!"

"I do NOT! I just get my ass kicked three times! That's IT! Three! I only die ONCE!"

"Yeah that's what YOU say…." Sephiroth rolled his eyes unwilling to admit he MIGHT, possibly COULD be wrong.

"Oh just shut up, you whiny bitch." Dhaos rolled his eyes.

"Oh? That's all you have to say to me? Coming from the guy who looked like he was about to jump that pretty blonde haired 'girl' named CLOUD, yesterday."

"Dude, I hate you." The blonde villain looked like he was ready to hurl again.

"Hey…how did he get out of jail?"

"…That's a damn good question…."

The moment of questioning however was cut short, when two very familiar blonde boys walked in the store together, looking more and more identical as the days go by.

"Is it just me or are they REALLY morphing into each other?" Yazoo asked from behind the counter.

"Hello, Dhaos…Sephiroth…" Cloud grumbled as he walked toward the back to clock in.

"Nice to see you too Strife." Sephiroth retorted with a snort and looked at Cless with this curious "what the fuck" expression.

"Hey CLOUD!" Dhaos called, snickering to himself as the blonde stopped. "Your dress is WIDE open in the back!"

"WHAT?!" Cloud turned around searching out this invisible tear in his non-existent dress. He paled when he realized the joke.

"Nice job there, girly, you're not wearing a dress! Today that is…"

"Dude that was cruel…" Sephiroth frowned, then broke out into a grin, "High five man!"

After high-fiving Sephiroth like a retarded teenager, Dhaos turned to Cless, who refused to look either villain in the eye. Something seemed off about Cless's behavior and trust two unutterably psychotic-washed up villains to find out what the problem is.

"Cless, how the hell did you guys get out of jail?"

"They made me do it…THEY MADE ME DO IT!" The boy shuddered like he was having spasms.

"What did they make you do Cless?"

"They said they'd let us go if we participated! They blackmailed us to do it! It's horrible…It hurts so much…The memory! The pain, the the the…" He stammered off and blacked out on the spot.

"What the fuh…? Cloud what the hell did they make you do?" Sephiroth looked perturbed by this, but only a little, he sure as hell didn't care that Cless was having seizures on the floor.

"…It WAS so horrible Sephiroth…"

"OHMIGOD! JUST FUCKING SPIT IT OUT!"

"THEY MADE US PLAY SUPERMAN FOR THE N64!!"

Dhaos and Sephiroth were quite for a moment as they realized just how horrible the situation really was.

"Holy shit…that's horrible…It'd hug you if that didn't look gay…but oh my god! It would have been better if they'd raped you like I was assuming they did!"

"How inhumane can you possibly be? Oh my god! How does that get worse?"

"Well they could have made him play Dirge of Cerberus too…" Sephiroth suggested.

"They're not trying to KILL their prisoners Sephiroth…"

"YOU don't know that!"

At that moment the chimes for the door went off signaling a customer. She was a tall brunette, with braided hair and looked like she's just come from excavating a tomb.

"Oh…fuck…um…this one's yours Sephiroth…" Dhaos said before he ducked under the counter.

"What the fuck man, what are you- Oh hello there Miss Croft…"

"Where is he?!"

"Where is who?" Sephiroth played stupid.

"Where is Dhaos!?!"

"Um. I haven't the slightest…May I ask why?" Sephiroth asked and realized how so very tame and gay he sounded. 'What the fuck? I sound like such a weenie!'

"He's the son of a bitch posting porn of me on the Internet!" She growled pulling out her shotgun and aiming it at the silver haired villain.

"….Um….If you're looking for him…He just went on a break a few minutes ago…Yeah he went over to the Bath and Body Works store…I'm sure you'll find him there…He's allergic to Watermelon Peach Berry, if that helps any…" He looked down the barrel of the gun and exhaled in relief when he realized she bought it.

"Thanks." She turned and left and Sephiroth glared down at his c-worker.

"What the FUCK Dhaos?! Are you trying to get me killed too?! What kinda MORON posts PORN of Lara Croft on the internet!?"

"Hey I got paid good money for that porn! And what kinda villain are you? You're supposed to hang me out to dry like all GOOD villains!" He stood up looking out the window of the front store carefully. "And Watermelon Peach Berry? What the fuck does that even smell like?!"

"I don't know…I didn't stop to smell that one…It looked like it would give me a headache and it was in a flowery orange bottl-….." He stopped realizing that he just proverbially hung himself.

"And you were trying to convince me you were straight why?"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"You go to bath and body works on your break…Tell me your not gay again…with a straight face this time please."

Both villains paused when they heard a loud crash coming from the backroom. They heard a loud scream and proceeding that sounded like "fuck you!" over and over.

"What the hell was that?"

"Reno! For god's sake, quit beating the hell out of Axel! He was dead twenty minutes ago!" Cloud snorted and slinked back into the corner in hopes of living down his humiliation.

"…He was? Oh damn…"

"And you say I have problems?" Sephiroth looked at Dhaos.

"…Okay you have a point there…"

There was a long pause.

"Hey dude, have you played the new Sonic game? It's complete crap if you ask me." Sephiroth nonchalantly asked.

"Random change of subject but yes I have played the new game. And what are you talking about? It's not crap! Crap is Tomb Raider Chronicles, crap is Dirge of Cerberus, crap is Tales of Symphonia, the new Sonic game is SHIT."

"Nicely said. Hey wait…I though Dirge of Cerberus was shit too?"

"Naw, I had to upgrade it to crap because Vincent threatened to turn into Satan and eat me."

"He turns into Satan now too?"

"Apparently so."

The door chime echoed through the disaster of a store and all of the workers looked up with this impressionable "go away and die" look.

"Hey, anyone got something that isn't shit?" The guy striding in asked.

"Define 'not shit'." Dhaos asked, trying to make his "stupid human" senses stop tingling.

"Something that isn't: a.) Kingdom Hearts, b.) Final Fantasy, c.)Harry Potter or d.) Lord of the Rings."

Sephiroth slid Dhaos over ecstatic to see a customer that wasn't morbidly obsessed over Kingdom Hearts.

"Okay what KIND of game?"

"Hmmm…You got that new Sonic game?"

Dhaos groaned.

"…Yes…"

"Great! My dog needs a new Frisbee."

"Dude…Dhaos, can we keep him?" Sephiroth looked over pleadingly.

"Would you shut up Sephiroth? Okay one more question. What do you think of the new PS3?"

"Dude, what the fuck does that matter?" The guy replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Would you just answer the question for god's sake? We're trying to decide whether or not to kidnap you and keep you as a pet! And it's for a gay ass survey I have to do and get turned in by Friday."

"Um…Dhaos, it's Saturday…" Sephiroth whispered.

"What? Fuck!" He frowned, but immediately shook it off, "Anyways, just answer the fucking question!"

"Oh I think it's a great system! A little on the noisy side by comparison to the Xbox though…the Xbox was quieter when the baseball bat hit. For what ever reason the PS3 didn't take so well to being pummeled…Pissed me off man…I didn't even get my fucking moneys worth out of it…But it WAS fucking sweet to watch those dumb fucks shit themselves because I beat hell out of a damn plastic box, with a bunch of over priced shit in it."

"Wonderfully gratuitous use of swearing… Okay Sephiroth, lock down. We're keeping him."

"YES! There are decent humans in the world!"

"Sephiroth, for fuck's sake stop flailing around like a moron. Freaking imbecile."

**to be Continued...**

* * *

_We're glad you guys are enjoying this retarded story XD Though a little bit surprised because this really is a crappy story XD_


	8. Day 8

_Leo: This installment is brougth to you by baka-chan XD! If you don't know who Randal Graves is he's from Clerks I and II!_

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 8**

"So, what the fuck do you guys do all day?"

"This is pretty much it." Sephiroth turned a page in yet another Spawn comic. "We sit around, bash everything in existence and when the occasional customer steps in we mess with them too."

"Yeah, that's where the crimes against humanity come in. Oh for fuck's sake." Dhaos spat as one of the boxes labeled 'Generic Anime RPG's' that he was stacking fell over.

"So what you're telling me" the n00b continued "Is that this job is every bit a piece of shit as the one I had at the video store? Shit… at least at the video store I could go over to the quick-stop to visit Dante."

"How long did you work at the video store anyway?" Sephiroth asked, still reading Spawn.

"Well… It's kinda complicated. Me and Dante worked there for about 10 years, then the place burned down and we worked at a shitty fast food restaurant called Moobys for about two years, then we bought the quick stop and video store with money we borrowed from two pot heads."

"Yeah, but why don't you work at the video store anymore?" Dhaos inquired while stacking copies of Baten Kaitos and Tales Of Symphonia directly into a barrel of fire.

"I just got fired from the video store for selling some interspecies erotica, and hermaphroditic porn to a preschool church group."

Dhaos and Sephiroth immediately stopped all bodily motion and just stared at the newbie. They didn't even breathe man… DIDN'T BREATH I TELLS YA!

"What's Interspecies Erotica?" Cloud said as he walked to the front of the store to fix the PS3 for the 87th time that day.

"Animal fucking." N00b said nonchalantly. Turning a page in his porno mag, just as Cloud knelt down in front of the PS3. Immediately puking all over the very very (if not overly) expensive piece of equipment.

"So…" Dhaos broke the silence at last. "You… lost your job because you… sold interspecies erotic and…. Hermaphrodite porn to little church children…?"

"Yeah well… I managed the place anyway, so I didn't really get fired. But because of that I now know what 'God-Fearing' means. Few days later, all two hundred church members show up at the fuckin' store asking for my blood. But luckily I just threw my subordinate, Elias, at them and he begged them to forgive me. He's into all that hardcore Christian shit. The deal was, that they wouldn't kill me as long as I stopped working at the video store." He turned another page in his porno mag, getting slightly wide-eyed. "Man, look at this shit." He held up the porno mag showing a man insert his entire head into… well somewhere it really shouldn't be.

Cloud looked up from the now green and –insert other nasty colors here- PS3, only to see the picture and blow chunks all over the Xbox360. The newbie then returned to reading his porn like normal.

"So you're basically on the run from a bunch of homicidal wack jobs?" Sephiroth asked, amazed.

"Yup, fuckin' sucks. Huh?" Dhaos walked up to the n00b and embraced him.

"Dude, I think I seriously love you man. In a heterosexual way of course."

"What the fu-?"

"You. Rock. You pissed of a few hundred uptight nut jobs, you sell bestiality and other really disgusting ungodly stuff, and you read porno mags with no shame in front of any and everyone. What is your name?!"

"Um… Randal Graves. Now could you please get the hell off of me?"

"Yes, dear lord." Dhaos backed away and continued burning Generic Anime RPG's.

"I gotta tell ya," Sephiroth closed his Spawn comic. "That is pretty effin' amazing. But you have one more test…"

"Which is?"

"Do you like video games?"

"You bet your ass I do. But recently all the games have really sucked ass. Shit, I'd rather be one of the girls in my videos than even read the covers of most of this bullshit. 'Super Princess Peach'? Give me a fucking break. And this 'which system is the best' bullshit is really getting on my nerves. People take their opinions way too far these days. Hell, yesterday I spray painted 'Eat Shit Emo' across a picture of a razor blade covered in shit. I thought it was hilarious, and then today I have random kids throwing shit at me. Not literal shit mind you… Anyway, yeah video games rock. Just as long as it's something action oriented, I hate having to read shit that uses anything beyond porno slang."

"HOLY GOD!" Sephiroth exclaimed, with Dhaos in the back saying something to the effect of 'Oh shit oh shit, HIDE ME!'

"What'd I do?"

"You just freaking monologued!" Sephiroth was getting borderline fan girlish about the fact that Randal just pulled off a very vulgar, and offensive monologue in one breath.

"Translation?"

"You just said a lot of shit in one breath without pausing in-between statements." Dhaos said, rejoicing in the fact that God was not actually in the store.

"Oh… That's just how I talk, it seems that when you pause in-between shit people interrupt you." He flipped a page in his porno as an eight year old came up to the counter. "Rude motherfuckers… whoa nice asshole." He held the magazine up to the child who stared at it for a second and then ran out of the store screaming for his mommy.

"You know… we never were really good at getting rid of really little children." Sephiroth watched the kid run down the isle of the mall back and forth, finally running directly into a big metal pole at around 65mph.

"So, what do you two do after work?" Randal asked the two of them.

"Depends, what day is it?" Dhaos finished burning all of the new shipment of crappy games.

"Um… Thursday, why?"

"Ooo… Thursday is usually goat sacrifice day. But sometimes we like to play 'Shrink Wrap Cloud and Cless' Heads'."

"What, the two blond freaks?"

"Yeah. Cless get over here and introduce yourself!" Dhaos spat as Cless soon came up to the counter and shook hands with Randal.

"I'm Cless."

"No shit."

"Yeah, now meet the other one. Cloud! Stop puking everywhere you piece of trash, come meet your third overlord!" Cloud was also soon shaking hands with Randal.

"Haven't I seen you before?"

"No."

"No really, I could swear that I've seen you somewhere before… Maybe in a porno or something?"

"Nope, never!." Cloud said nervously as he very hastily went over to continue cleaning off the two systems.

" I could swear… anyway. Phones ringing."

"I'll take it. Hello, EB Games Tech Support, this is Sephiroth, how may I traumatize you?"

"Hi, um I just World of Warcraft."

"Lord have mercy on your intelligence. What's the problem?"

"Well, it said that it came with one month of free online play. But in order to get that free one-month of play you have to submit a credit card number. I don't have a credit card."

"Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Well… isn't there like any way around it?"

"Look man, I think we can all confirm that ALL of those online RPG's are just out to plain out assrape anyone stupid enough to buy into them. The only way you can fix your problem is to sell what's left of your pathetic excuse for a soul and buy a 60 day game card for a total bleeding rectum price of thirty dollars. Or you could take the smart way out by crucifying the copy of the game you bought and then punish yourself very, very harshly for ever having thought of picking up the god awful habit of actually playing, and dare I say, enjoying that worthless piece of shit of a game. You wanna know what World of Warcraft is about? Here I'll tell you… It's about you creating a stupid looking fantasy style character and running around in a giant fucking world with no plot or even point to anything that you're doing! You level your person up to level sixty, the max, over the course of a few weeks, kill everything in your area and then piss whine and moan because you get bored a game that you shelled out a little over fifty dollars just to play. OR! You could join a guild, kind of like club, of other pathetic fucking losers so that you can explore UNREASONABLY hard dungeons with UNREASONABLY hard and strong monsters that take an UNREASONABLY large amount of people and an UNREASONABLY large amount of time to kill only to give you a bunch of items that are UNREASONABLY useless except to sell for more cyber money while your bank account goes to shit, your wife leaves you and files a court claim for full custody of your children after you attack the older one yelling 'DIE ORC!' and try to kill the little one with an axe while screaming 'DIE YOU DWARVISH PIECE OF SHIT!' after which you cuddle your children and cry INCESSENTLY saying that your sorry and 'Daddy didn't mean to use the kitchen knife on your FACE'… Hello? Hello?"

On the other end of the line all that could be heard was a faint gurgling sound. Sephiroth pulled out a little clipboard and made a tally mark under 'Suicides'.

"Hey Dhaos! That makes eight suicides today! You better catch up!"

"Yeah but dude, it was a World of Warcraft fan, those people are already pretty pathetic. That shouldn't even count!"

"Too bad jackass, it still counts as a human being no matter how lowly it may be!."

"Damn… you're a sick son of a bitch… I think we're going to get along great. What do you want?" Cloud was standing right in front of Randal.

"I finished cleaning the Xbox and PS3. There might be a little piece of Choccobo but I got most of it."

"Do they still work?" Randal asked him.

"Yeah, surprisingly both of them still function just as well as when they were brand new."

"Shit."

**_To be Continued..._**


	9. Day 9

_Back to my chapter. You guys know the warnings. And just so you guys may know, Dr. Cox is from Scrubs._

**EB Games Tech Support  
Part 9  
**  
"Okay, so we seriously don't actually do anything then do we?" Randal asked, sitting up on the counter shooting spitballs at the cardboard cut out of the new final fantasy release.

"Pretty much, no." Sephiroth and Dhaos said at the same time.

"You know, I still think I've seen you somewhere." Randal looked at Cloud who skittered away quickly, grabbing Cless. "Hey uh, Sephiroth, are those two, like you know? Fuck buddies or something?"

"…Probably…" Sephiroth replied picking up the phone again. "Yes? GOD DAMN YOU LINK! 'Yaaah' is not a language I'm fluent in!" He slammed the phone down and scowled. "I hate my job."

"Not as much as I hate your job."

"You have the same job as me Dhaos…" Sephiroth glared at the blonde.

"No, I'm the manager." He pointed to his tag.

"Is that lust I see in your eyes? Are you…undressing him with your eyes, Sephiroth?" Randal asked facing Sephiroth with an eyebrow raised.

"WHAT?!"

"Do you wanna fuck him?"

"RANDAL!?! Dude, that's not even right!"

"Dude, no, just…no." Dhaos shuttered and backed away from Sephiroth.

Randal opened his mouth to add more to his probable raunchy monologue, but was promptly cut off by the resounding ring of the front door. He yawned and hightailed it into the backroom using that moment to cheap out on the job, and most likely with a porn mag. Go Randal.

"Whoa…we have a customer?" Cless gasped.

"Hello, peasants of the lower class, I'll make this incredibly brief because I would rather be giving myself a circumcision than being here, in this particular hell hole of the earth. I need a game. I don't care what, I don't want to even know the price, here's my credit card, charge it. But for god's sake if I don't find something to take away the attention of that little demon of another man's child my ex-wife insists I must help rise, I will go insane."

The workers stood there in slight shock.

"Well I haven't got all day now," The man, clearly a doctor, whistled, "So please, Nancy hurry it up."

"Did you just call me Nancy?" Dhaos twitched.

"Oh my god, he's a bright one! If I even had the slightest bit of a caring streak I would praise you, however, seeing as how I'm positively thrilled being the biggest jackass around I think I'll just keep my mouth shut on that one."

"I'm so very intrigued." Sephiroth mumbled to Dhaos.

"Okay, how about Kingdom Hearts? I can give you a sixty dollar discount and credit your account for taking this fucking thing away willingly." Dhaos offered.

"Will it rot out the child's brain and take away all plausible motor functions, causing random seizures from lack of daily game play and obsession should it be taken away?"

"…Yes?…" Sephiroth sort of asked, hoping that it wouldn't make the guy change his mind.

"Great! I'll take it. And for god's sake stop looking at me like a freak, or I may be tempted to stitch an ear to your face just to see how people react to your new state of abomination."

"…Holy shit, dude…I think I'm going to seize, this guy's wit is amazing." Sephiroth blinked at Dhaos.

"Dude, what is your name?"

"Now, I could tell you and be nice, however that would go against rule one, which is don't give your name out to a handful of newbs. But since I'm feeling particularly kind today, you can call me Dr. Cox."

"God, I think I'm going to faint." Cloud shuddered and slinked away, only to be stopped by a loud whistle.

"Hey newbie, over here. Yes you, Sheila. Take this to my car, the red convertible. Oh and if you so much as touch it you will find yourself missing your favorite body part."

"…but how am I supposed to…without touching it…Oh god…" Cloud whined and sniveled.

"Now, where was I? Oh yes, degrading you as intelligent life forms. Ah well, I'm sure you're much to used to being in that state and thus forth it probably has no effect on the meaninglessness of your lives, so I'll be going now. Sheila, let's go."

"But…"

"No buts, I'm sure even you as an inexperienced incompetent can do a better job than the morons I share a work force with."

Cloud sighed, crying on the inside, as he left almost unwillingly with Dr. Cox.

"…Did that guy just steal Cloud?" Dhaos asked after several moments.

"…Oh my fucking god, he just did…."

At this moment Randal decided to reappear, looking quizzically at the shocked faces of his so-called co-workers. "Whoa what the fuck's wrong?"

"…You're not gonna believe this Randal, but some guy just…stole Cloud…" Sephiroth blinked.

"Cloud…." Cless whined in the background, most likely feeling like half of him was gone.

"…And I missed this? Fuck."

The three stood there wondering what they should do. It wasn't really like they cared about Cloud's well-being, however Cloud was their property, and some one had just stolen him.

"Hey guys, we got the new delivery in…you'll be very disappointed." Yazoo yawned straightening his hair, for he'd clearly been sleeping on the job.

"Oh? And what might that be?"

"Well you see…We just got in the new 50Cent: Bullet Proof game, and honestly, I was debating on whether or not to use that game as a terrorist bombing device, or just make a bad racial joke."

"Uh, who the fuck's this?" Randal asked, double taking the Sephiroth look-a-like.

"I'm Yazoo, gifted with a horrible name, a slight case of Down syndrome and a really bad emo disposition. I'm Sephiroth's wanna-be and one of three brothers, not to mention the only half way normal one, seeing as how Kadaj is a spazz and Loz is the worst creation ever, created. I'm the unfortunate victim of Square Enix's selling out and now a target for yaoi obsessed fan girls who don't want to leave me alone even though I get MAYBE a total of two lines in that whole fucking movie, in which I actually fucking SHOOT Cloud in the back and yet he STILL doesn't fucking die, but saves the world like those stupid fucking blonde heroes always do. The same fucking hero who killed Sephiroth in under five fucking minutes, didn't get a scratch then watched Kadaj die like a jackass and then went off to be an emo little bitch like usual while me and my brother floated around he fucking life stream even though it wasn't our fucking fault we were being controlled by a fucking alien from space because that stupid game, which I wasn't' even in, sucked like complete ass and the only reason people even play it is because it has Sephiroth in it, and for fuck's sake, I looked more like Sephiroth than the other two! So why the hell didn't I get more goddamn screen time!? You know what Square Enix, FUCK YOU! You made me a stereotypical clone, you bastards! I'm going on strike! Right now! And you can tell kingdom hearts to kiss my ass! I'll never submit! NEVER!" Yazoo randomly stomped away.

"…What. The. Fuck.?"

"Oh don't mind him, he's a little sore about his role in life."

"…I couldn't tell…"

"Anyways," Yazoo came back after a moment, only slightly coated in blood. "This new game, is like absolute trash. Actually trash would compliment it. But if I ever saw a bad game I would call it this." He pointed to the cover of the 50Cent game. "I mean this nig-"

"Fucking hell Yazoo! Don't you even say it! We've already gotten a call from the NAACP for stuff like that!" Dhaos interrupted before any more could be said.

"What? That's not racism. I mean they say it to each other."

"A-fucking-men brother!" Randal high-fived Yazoo in the most heterosexual way yet.

"Anyways, just don't go there, or you'll get 'the lecture' from Dhaos." Sephiroth added.

"Why should I listen to you? You're not my father." Yazoo challenged.

"Actually, in technical terms I am."

"…Really?"

"Quite."

"SONOFABITCH!"

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To kill myself…Life is suddenly not worth living."

"Yazoo don't you dare walk away." Sephiroth grabbed him by the arm.

"Oh god no please master, not again not again I'll be a good boy don't hurt me, please, no." Yazoo whimpered.

"Damn it shut up," Sephiroth hissed nervously.

"I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good…"

"Sephiroth, what exactly do you do to that boy?"

"…Damn it Yazoo, I am beating your ass tonight. Nothing! I do nothing to him! He's certainly not my punching bag on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

"And you wonder why he's mentally handicapped."

About four hours later the chime on the door went off and in walked Cloud, no longer in his normal clothing, but now dressed in medical scrubs, in a pretty fuchsia color, and women's shoes.

"Nice heels, Strife."

"Fuck you Sephiroth, fuck you."

Cless came out of the back room and upon seeing Cloud, threw himself at the other blonde, nuzzling his face and repeating his name over and over again.

"You can't, by any reason tell me that's not gay." Dhaos looked over at Sephiroth and held out his hand. "Pay up bitch."

"You whore," Sephiroth grumbled putting a ten in Dhaos's hand. "Cloud, you slut, you let me down!"

"It's not my fault!" Cloud retorted even though he was obviously petting Cless's hair.

"Now all we gotta do is wait for you to come out of the closet Sephiroth." Dhaos grinned.

"I'm not GAY!"

"So, Seph, what does Tangerine Watermelon Supreme Slash smell like?" Randal asked at random.

"Sort of like watermelon bubble gum soak in orange jui-" He stopped realizing he'd just damned himself over, for the second time.

"Bust." Chorused both Dhaos and Randal.

"So, Cloud, what did that Dr. Cox do to you?" Sephiroth asked, changing the subject quickly.

"You don't really want to know."

"Oh yes, I do, please by all means." Dhaos asked interestedly.

"Well I have no Kidneys, my liver is a zip lock bag, my left lung is now balloon animal art and he made me play Kingdom Hearts with his kid, in which I was forced to kick my own ass."

"Oh sweet irony!" Yazoo chimed in a sweet little song. "Could be worse though, you could have had to play NA-RU-TO."

Over the intercom you heard the voice activated chime of: BELIEVE IT! NINJA NINJA NINJA!

"Okay, who installed that?"

"Call this payback bitch." Yazoo cackled like a demon and ran very quickly upon realizing Sephiroth was hunting him down.

"…That's just not fucking right, so every fucking time we say NA-RU-TO, that thing is gonna go off?" Randal tested.

The chime replied: "BELIEVE IT! NINJA NINJA NINJA!"

"Oh fucking gay."

"You know Cloud is you and Cless are going to fornicate you could please not do it in public." Dhaos sighed.

"We're not fornicating!"

"Oh that's a fucking lie. I saw you just lick his face!"

"I DID NOT!"

"You know Cloud, you've got some problems…" Randal added.

"I'VE got problems?! I don't have fucking problems!" He replied petting Cless, who mewled as a response.

"You don't say," Dhaos rolled his eyes.

"Cless you're such a bad liar…" Yazoo snorted hiding behind the blonde.

"Did…you just call me Cless?"

Everyone stopped.

"Oh my god this is a monumental moment!" Dhaos ran over to the calendar. "It's official guys, Cless and Cloud are now too alike to distinguish a difference! They've finally fused."

"Wow…this sucks…Like Dragon Ball Z Budokai." Yazoo pouted.

"Hey Dhaos…if they get married, we'll be like evil overlord in-laws."

"That was possibly the most retarded thing you've ever said to me, Sephiroth."

"Actually, you said that 'suing someone for alien raping them' was the stupidest thing I've ever said." Sephiroth said poking Randal.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Randal replied eyeing Sephiroth.

"Alien Rape."

"Oh yeah?" Randal replied poking Sephiroth with both index fingers. "Double penetration bitch."

"Oh…Oh this one's good Dhaos, he's got the skillz."

"Dear Lord please, have mercy on me, even though I don't believe in you." Dhaos said putting his face in his hands. "Yazoo, what say you we lock these people in here and forget to turn off the coffee maker?"

"I'm for it."

"Not even fucking funny man. It's not my fucking fault that coffee makers are built to cause mass destruction, ruin lives and throw countries into fucking turmoil. I'm telling you, America harbors the biggest fucking compilation of mass destructive devices, and they're called COFFEE MAKERS. And ovens, oh fuck, don't even get me started on that shit."

"Randal, I think you need some counseling."

"Nope."

"And why do you believe that?"

"Because the last one killed herself."

Everyone looked at him.

"What? It was the fucking coffee maker. I swear."

XxX

Sephiroth: Hey Dhaos, where did the plot go?

Dhaos: o.o; There was plot?


	10. Day 10

**Leo: WARNING. OMG WARNING. My Co-writer went crazy on this one xD So anything said, please do not take offense. **

**(Also, anything that Cloud or Cless say is absolutely just them talking smack, they probably don't even know what those words mean XD!) No offense is meant in any of it! **

* * *

**EB Games Tech Support**  
Chapter10 

"Asshole."

Randal hung up the phone at (the now infamous) EB Games as a result of yet another failure. The other staff working that day, Dhaos and Sephiroth, gave a slight hint of interest. Though not much, because this kind of thing was expected.

"Man, fuck him. Douche bag calls me up askin' if there's ever gonna be another Dragon Ball Z game and if so how many."

"And your response?" inquired Mr.Anti-Human (Blonde edition) while he was stocking the newest rehash of an old game that no one really liked but was deemed a classic anyway because the classic title fooled people into buying so many copies that it could legally be called a classic despite it's gameplay (or lack thereof).

"I just yelled Over 9000 into the phone. With a question like that, how the fuck else was I to respond? With some pussy four or five hundred? Fuck that. If you ask a question about a series that laughable with a number of games akin to the amount of children that over-payed movie stars adopt from Ethiopia or some shit, what do you expect? Shit, if I worked for the Toonami translating team, I would have just dubbed that show over with grunts and moans from a bunch of beastiality movies. All in all, it's the same basic sound quality. Not to mention, a chick choking on a horse cock would sound just like Vegeta."

In a random valley that's hundreds of acres of rocks, grass, rocks, cliffs, trees, rocks, lakes, and rocks two saiyans abruptly stop their flight.

"Hey Vegeta, what's up?" Nappa stopped and looked behind him at the giant floating hairpiece known as Vegeta.

"My Funimation scouter is going berserk! Somebody's really cussing up a storm…"

"What's his swear level?" Inquired the bald saiyan.

"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!!!" Vegeta shouted as he crushed his Swear-O-Matic-Scouter.

"What nine thousand?!"

"It seems we're dealing with no ordinary foe to censorship here. Nappa! Stay your guard, we're going to hunt this mother… big meanie down."

"Whatever you say Vegeta, lead the way."

In the ever decadent EB…

"Fuckin' A! I can't believe the shit this company ships in as it's 'new releases'. DDR Max Two K Double Super Nova Explosion Of Destructive Catatonic Calamity Of Music, Sonic The Hedgehog: Hard-Boiled-EGGMAN, and what the fuck is this? 'My Little Pony And The Lost Rainbow'? Give me a fuckin' break." Randal then proceeded to toss every single one of the previously mentioned games into the garbage disposal, where Sephiroth quickly saved them.

"Look man, we don't have a say in what this place stocks, just like we don't have a say in what customers come in here.

"If I had my say there'd be no black people!" Cless shouted from the back room.

"Or jews!" was quickly added-on by Cloud.

"I hear ya on that one…" Dhaos murmered.

"As I was saying, if we could choose the games we stock I wouldn't put any of this crap. No way, only the classics."

"Classics in terms of shitty games that a lot of people bought or excellent games that no one has ever heard of?

"Tch, what do you thi- The fuck?!"

Just then a loud sound was heard and for a moment it appeared the roof had suddenly gone convertible. No, something else had happened… I believe there is no better term for it other than 'Blowed Da Fuck Up'.

"What the hell man?!" Dhaos yelled angrily at the two floating figures in the sky.

"Nappa! He's the one!" said Vegeta pointing at Randal

"You sure about that Vegeta?"

"Of course I'm sure you fool! Can't you sense his offensive power from here? He's a walking 9/11 joke!"

"What in the fuck are you talkin' about?" Randal broke into their conversation as the two Saiyans slowly floated down to the floor of the store. (Rhyme +5) They proceeded to walk up to Randal, standing about seven feet from him.

"Hahahaha! You don't know who we are do you?"

"Confused as a sheed in the farmers bed."

"Fool! We are the elite Saiyans! He is Nappa, and I am Vegeta. I am the Prince of all Saiyans!"

"Wait, isn't there only like, two or three of you guys around right now?"

"Shut up! We've been sent here to destroy you."

"Let me guess, Frieza?" Randal gave them a sarcastic look.

"No! He has been replaced by… Gen Fukunaga! President of Funimation, and lord of censorship itself! We have been sent here to rid you of the universe before your potty mouth ways infect all living things!"

"How long you been on earth?"

"About twenty minutes, why?"

"Listen, buddy. I hate to break this to you but… you're fuckin' stupid."

"Wha- wha- wha- wha- wha- wha- wha- wha – wha- wha- what how dare you!" The spikey haired Saiyan replied in anger and (over-exaggerated) disbelief.

"Look, I don't know how it is on whatever pussy planet you came from, but on Earth there's almost no such thing as censorship. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a fuck if they offend some piss ant minority! Cless, Cloud, prove my point!"

"I hate Niggers!" Cless quickly chimed in, as though it were his duty to state his anti-semeticism.

"And I hate jews!" Cloud added.

In utter disbelief and shock (ZOMG), the two Saiyans were stunned back a few feet.

"Vegeta, these guys are crazy! I say we get out of here before… you know."

"Quiet Nappa!" Vegeta then turned towards Randal and the others. "How… how could you? How are you able to utter such indecencies with no threat of punishment? How can you so freely speak without a second thought?"

"It's easy," began Sephiroth "This is **EARTH**!"

"I… don't understand…" Vegeta replied, obviously (and overdramatically) shaking in his wee space boots.

"Group huddle!" Randal barked at his employees who soon followed suit. All five of them gathered in the storage room, now empty of it's video games.

"Look, I think I know what their problem is…" Randal began the group meeting.

"Aids? Cancer? Erectile disfunction?!" Cless stupidly began.

"No, ya fuckin' gimp. I think that they're afraid." Said Randal as he bitch-slapped Cless for suggesting something that idiotic.

"Afraid of what? Aids? Cancer? Erectile disfunction?!" Cloud soon received his bitch-slap as well.

"No guys, I think that they're afraid to swear! I don't know about the big guy, but the midgety one seems to have an air of built up rage. The kind of rage that you can only get out by cursing excessively or shooting small children. Seeing as how he's not going to do the latter, we need to help him out. Here's what we're gonna do.

After around three hours and two members less, Dhaos, Sephiroth, and Randal emerge from the storage room with a look of sheer determination on their faces. Ever seen the notebook? The part where Johnny's character is going to kill the girl? Yeah, _that_ kind of determination.

"Hey fuck head, how the hell did you get that hair shape anyway?" Randal called out the midget Saiyan, often referred to as Vegeta.

"What did you say?!"

"I think that he's suggesting that the hair style you have is relative to what would happen if a midget shoved his entire head into a horses ass and rapidly pulled it in and out applying gel when necessary."

"What? You little… punk!"

"Haha, and look at his spandex!" Sephiroth began his attack "I would say it's disgusting, what with a package being shown and all. But it seems that his crotch is just a big flat wall of skin!"

The room fell silent… Not a single sound for a solid minute and a half.

"Dude, what the fuck? Keep it straight… Dumbass… Anyway, yeah, what fuckin' planet you come from? The one composed entirely of pussy's who pick flowers and eat shit?" Dhaos gave a little chuckle after saying this.

"What… what's happening… I'm so offended I can't move! I should be able to take this guy out with no problem but… I can't make a move without shouting something against lord Gen's orders! I can't let that happen."

"Aw look at the little midget. I think he's scared. What's wrong asshole? Was it something we said? Well here, I've got something better for ya." At this Randal took a deep breath and the other two workers immediately took cover behind the desk.

"Damn shit hell fuck dick cock god damn mother fucker twat cunt nigger jew jigaboo piss ant cock bite Bible Fucker ass licker horse sucker goat blower shit licker fudge packer bitch face bastard son of 1000 semen hanging from a wanker that fucked your mother!" Randal exhaled quickly at the end of this long string of obscenities.

At first nothing happened, but after a few seconds the bald Saiyan, Nappa's, head exploded from the sheer force of censorship violations. Everyone in the store was shocked, including the now very angry Vegeta. After staring at his companions headless body Vegeta turned to Randal and stared at him in anger for about fifteen minutes while gritting his teeth and grunting. Then he closed his eyes and assumed the power-up position (If you don't know what that is, you either suck or you're blind) and let out the loudest yell ever to be let out in the history of yells.

"Mm…. Hurr……. Erk…… F…. Fu…. F…. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!11!1!!!!oneone AHHHHHHH!!!!!" immediately out of nowhere, random rocks that all look the same started flying up all around the Saiyan as he shouted.

After about twenty minutes of grunting and making rocks float Vegeta stopped, as if shocked.

"What… what just happened to me? How did I…."

"It's simple, those Funimation pansies brainwashed you into thinkin' swearing was bad or something." Sephiroth answered.

"But… what about Nappa?! Why did he die and I live?"

"That's simple," Randal began "Nappa was a wuss from birth, so naturally swearing was an impossibility for him. But you, you weren't always the blubbering pansy you were today. You just needed someone to kind of… break you."

"It… all makes sense now…"

"You know you want to, go ahead." Dhaos patted Vegeta on the shoulder.

"I've been wanting to say this for so long… FUCK FUNIMATION!!!"

* * *

_Leo: Once again, anyone offended, we apologize xD The deal with Cloud and Cless's racism was more or less just a political statement that rascism is actually just a bunch of dipshitted blonde haired blue eyed people ranting and raving and actually not doing shit other than run their mouths. (Cloud and Cless are both Blonde Hair blue eyes XD)_


	11. Day 11

**EB Games Tech Support**  
_Chapter 11_

"Dude, we got another call from the NAACP…" Dhaos stated with a frown. "They said that Cless's statement was cause for a law suit."

"No fucking way?" Sephiroth replied, hanging up the phone before actually even answering it.

"Yeah, but apparently Cloud's off the hook for his anti-Jew statements. Fucking Aryans."

"Psst, Dhaos…you're blonde haired and blue eyed too…"

"…Fuck."

Dhaos frowned sadly as he watched Reno—resident red haired jackass—piling up the FFVII games into a well sculpted target board for a lovely game of darts. Dhaos had to wonder where Reno got the human skull from, but he was willing to bet that was just the leftovers of Axel. The chime at the entrance dinged, which alarmed everyone, since no one had the balls to walk in EB Games since they'd taken over. However, seeing whom it was he only sighed.

"Good Morning Doctor."

"Yeah, whatever Nancy. Now tell me sweet cheeks," The man started with a healthy dose of sarcasm, "Have ya seen Sheila? Because I do believe he ran off in my wife's high heels, and if she doesn't stop bitching at me about them I will be forced to sacrifice a live chicken to which ever god will strike her down."

"But of course Doctor. Cloud! Get your cross dressing ass in here." Dhaos called, no longer appalled at being addressed by a female name.

Cloud peeked his head out the door of the backroom. "Do I have to?"

"Yes, I'm tired of you and Cless frisking back there."

"They weren't just frisking…" Yazoo shuddered as he crossed the store to try and salvage whatever he could from Reno's display of doom.

"Too much information man, too much…" Dhaos did the icky dance. (You know that dance when you shake your arms, shudder and go, "ew ew ew!".)

"…Damn it…now I have that image in my mind!" Sephiroth joined in the icky dance. "That's like wrong…those two are like clones! That would be like me having sex with Yazoo or something!"

"Dude...you just said 'like' three times…"

"…Just…." Yazoo blacked out before he could even shudder the rest of that protest out. He was quickly carted off to the infirmary room, also known as the company bathroom, by a random member of the Organization (who were out for revenge for Axel's loss).

"I swear I don't have them Dr. Cox!"

"Boy, I don't care if you stole the damn things to play Barbie at home when no one's looking, or if you kept them to play out your sickish fetishes with your gay blonde headed twin over there, just return the damnable creations, before Jordan drives me more crazy, unsociable, and plain out dickish than I already am."

"…I'll get right on that sir!"

"Great, good job Sheila." He mock clapped.

"God, Cloud is so whipped." Sephiroth snorted to Cless. "Are you wearing the pants in that relationship? Because honestly I think Cloud prefers the skirts."

"Actually he likes dresses better." Cless smiled.

"Just…no." Dhaos shuddered.

"Hey guys, check this out." Yazoo suddenly popped out, fully recovered and casually prying a struggling Xemnas off his leg. For whatever reason, that guy had it for Yazoo, and that just plain out creeped him the fuck out! After all, when you're stalker's name anagrams 'mansex', you'd be scared too!

"What have you for us today, young underling?" Sephiroth asked, taking the video game that Yazoo was holding out. "Sonic: Secret Rings?"

"Oh yes! The greatest furry misfortune to ever hit the gaming platform! It's like Epic! This game glitches worse than you inadvertently prove you're gay! I mean this is the Naruto of Sonic games! The Holy Grail of utter gaming catastrophe! The Superman 64 of the Xbox360! The 'Dirge of Cerberus' of Anthromorphic sequels. This game makes me want to go out and play Majora's mask! With out a Game FAQ. Oh no! Even worse…this thing is like the FFVII of RPGs! Or the Ragnarok of MMORPGS. It's the Advent Children storyline of the once Sega licensed games. Actually, I would rather use the disk to cut my wrists than play it! With Loading screens that make Tomb Rider look like a fast action, exciting, 1st person shooter. I mean we're talking some hard-core shittery right here! I was so impressed I went and played it. I then proceeded to repeatedly slam my head against the 360 and then I ran off and watched some anthro porn. It was that monumental! I mean, this is more than just a bad video game, this is phenomenal! It was so phenomenal that I even threw up in a paper bag! Now every time I see a blue hedgehog shaped blur I go into seizures, shit myself, and forget who I am for ten minutes!"

"…Wow…Just …wow." Sephiroth stared at Yazoo, almost fondly.

"Damn…you earned a small praise for that one." Dhaos gleamed.

"Can I get a smiley face T-shirt?"

"No."

"Damn…how about a sticker?"

"No."

"Can I get a chicken then?"

"A chicken?" Dhaos blinked.

"Yeah, a chicken."

"Fine. Just don't let Reno eat it."

"YEEEEESSSSSSSS!" Yazoo screamed, "Kadaj! They're letting me have a CHICKEN!"

"Is this game really that bad?" Reno asked snatching the game. "I mean I've played some bad games before like: Madden NHL for the Sega, Michael Jackson's Moon Walker, Evolution, and Dragon ball Z: Legacy of Goku. Can this really be THAT bad?"

"No smart person would admit to playing Legacy of Goku." Cless snorted.

"What about the Michael Jackson game?! That's worse!" Dhaos added.

"Actually, that's kinda fun…in a creepy child molesting kinda way." Sephiroth nodded obliviously.

"For once I have no comment to the idiocy." Doctor Cox shook his head and whistled loudly, "Sheila, let's go. NOW." Cloud lowered his high and sighed sadly. He proceeded to follow, however, carrying the good Doctor's wife's shoes.

"That was disturbing.." Dhaos finally spoke.

"Like Earthworm Jim disturbing?" Sephiroth asked.

"No, like Pocahontas for the Sega disturbing.."

"Dude, that game is awesome!" Reno beamed stupidly, "You get to walk around as a chick with a killer tan playing with animals and shit."

"Let's forget about the 32 bit graphics." Randal commented casually, hopping over the counter and sitting on it.

"Fuck, man where have you been?" Dhaos glared.

"Oh you know the usual, telling sorry Lord of the Rings fans they can suck a cock and trying to take back Porch Monkey."

"…Dude, we're already trying to avoid the NAACP, don't say shit like porch monkey!"

Randal opened a magazine, "Man, I'm telling you Porch monkey is not racist."

"Nope, nigger is."

"RENO!"

"What?"

"Ol Red has a point you know. I mean, think about it. Porch Monkey could just mean a monkey on a porch! What's so wrong about that?"

"You're a jackass." Dhaos rolled his eyes.

"One of the best, my friend. Besides, deep down inside you know you just want to run around saying porch monkey."

"Stop fucking saying porch monkey!"

"That ain't fucking right!" Barrett growled from the back of the store and stomped out angrily.

"When the fuck'd he get here?" Randal asked looking in the direction of the door.

"Dumb ass!" Dhaos threw a video game case at Randal.

"Not my fault he's an uptight asshole." He paused, "Hey what the fuck is the man-chick doing?"

"Yazoo?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Something about a chicken, I stopped fucking asking questions days ago." Reno snorted and crossed his arms. "Though if this is leading to bestiality, I am SO in."

"That's fucking sick man, I mean what's worse than watching a feminine looking man have sex? It's watching that feminine looking man have sex with an animal. I mean, come on, what kinda blasphemous person takes a poor defenseless animal and rubs it in all the wrong ways? Fucking pervs, that's what!"

"Then I'll pretend I didn't see the flier in your car."

"You were in my car?"

"Dude, your fucking car doesn't even have windows! Where the hell'd you pick up that piece of shit? Holy shit, does it even run? Without being pushed?"

"Hey, hey, hey, it was free! I'll take a windowless car if I don't have to pay for it!"

"I guess insurance is out of the question."

"Like I would pay my shit wages to insure a car that would probably look better in a junk yard."

"Still doesn't explain the flier for 'Interspecies Erotica'."

"…Hey…I….Fuck." Randal pointed, "You my friend are good."

"I'll pretend I didn't just silently listen to all of that." Dhaos yawned and looked over at Sephiroth. "Man, what fucking time is it?"

"I don't know. Heero shot the clock so it eternally stays at eleven fourteen."

"No clocking out then…clever son of a bitch."

A loud crash resounded throughout the store and all of the 'employees' plus Randal looked to the front of the store.

"Fucking hell. It's Elias." Randal groaned.

"Could be worse…It could be Kefka." Sephiroth groaned.

"Didn't we kick him out?" Dhaos asked.

"More or less."

"Don't know why, you guys should have started a 'Washed Up Villains Club', that would have been awesome." Randal eyed Elias like a man who waits to prey on the innocent. Which Randal does, so he's excused. If you got a problem with that, Randal says you can suck his dick. "Let me guess, Transformers?"

"Robots in disguise!"

Dhaos kicked the individual responsible for that outburst. "Cless, shut the fuck up before I beat you into yesterday."

Elias fidgeted, "Oh, no, no Randal, I'm looking for a, a Lord of the Rings game!"

"Shoot me now." Randal mumbled. "We don't have those here."

"But, Randal, it says on the front door, 'we sell LotR games here'."

"Ah, that means: Land of the Racist, where basically you have to take horrible racial slurs and try to make them not racial slurs. Third level is hard as shit though. You've got a lot of angry Mexicans throwing beans at you for calling them wetbacks."

"That's horrible Randal!"

"Ah, blow me." He went back to looking through his magazine, which was really just a Star Wars guidebook.

Cless stepped next to Elias and waved retardedly. Sephiroth, Dhaos and Randal watched as the two silently pulled off some nerdy looking handshake and proceeded to walk over to the 'loser' game section and critique the worst games ever made, anyway.

"That disturbs me."

"You know, our phone has rung at least fourteen times." Sephiroth noted.

"Persistent bastards." Dhaos ripped the phone cord out of the wall.

"You know, we should start answering the phone like it's a phone sex hotline." Yazoo suggested, popping out of nowhere, with a chicken in hand.

"As amusing as that would be, I don't think half of these nerds know what sex is." Sephiroth replied.

"The momma's boy makes a valid point." Dhaos shrugged.

"Damn…" Yazoo said and silently lifted the chicken in the air and walked away.

Dhaos, Sephiroth and Randal silently watch Yazoo walk away with the chicken. All three of them looked at each other and blinked.

"That is the worst Link impression ever." Sephiroth finally said.

"I know right? I mean he didn't say 'excuuuuse me, princess' nor is he wearing tights…what a sorry cosplayer." Dhaos sighed.

"I'm going over to the FYE." Randal informed and was gone before anyone attempted a protest. (Not that there would be a protest, I mean these guys don't work for shit.)

"Where'd Randal go?"

"Don't worry Elias, he'll be back." Cless replied. He's always doing that.

The front door dinged and no one looked up. There were only two possibilities of who that could be. Heero, which was improbable because he was in the Himalayas trying to carve a Gundam base out of rock with his bare hands, and Dr. Cox. Naturally it was Dr. Cox, bringing Cloud back to an appreciative Cless.

"Here, girls, you can have your misfit back."

"Hey Doctor, why do you take him all the time?" Sephiroth questioned leaning against the counter.

"Because he makes a great example of why you shouldn't have unprotected sex, of course. And he's an even better example of why you should succeed the first time you try to kill yourself. Isn't that right Sheila?" Doctor Cox fake petted Cloud's head.

Cloud lowered his head, "Yes, Dr. Cox."

"Man that bitch is so owned." Yazoo nodded, which caused the chicken perched on his head, to squawk.

"I regret giving you permission to have that thing." Dhaos groaned.

"Until next time, girls, keep him." He pushed Cloud toward Cless.

"Have a good day Doctor." Sephiroth added dryly and Dr. Cox left.

"This is why we get no customers…"

"Hey guys…Heero sent us an email!" Reno informed.

"Oh? What's it say?"

"Well it doesn't say much…There's a lot of ones and zeros and…I think that's a nazi symbol?! Anyway, it says 'mission complete' at the bottom and location: Himalayas."

"Holy shit, you mean he can actually carve rock with his bare hands?!" Sephiroth paled.

"That's crazy shit." Yazoo nodded and the chicken squawked again.

"I've had it with that fucking chicken!" Dhaos said and shot a small, but adequately size energy ball at the chicken.

"MY CHICKEN! NOOOOO!"

"Hey, what smells like KFC?" Reno asked sniffing at the air.

"I hate all of you…."

**To be Continued…**


	12. Day 12

_Leo: I warn you big time on this one XDDD Baka-chan went a little crazy on his chapter so there are so absolutely disturbing moments XDDD_

**EB Games Tech Support**  
_Day 12_

The retard collection facility (mall) filled up as usual that morning. Slowly the various dull mumbling of cattle (people) grew louder, until it reached the norm. The doors of EB Games opened and the employees started to show up. First, of course, were Sephiroth and Dhaos. The reason they were always first was not because they wanted to be there, but because they were the only people Heero trusted with the keys to the store. They opened, began stocking, started up the cash register, and got ready for business. It was just a normal day-

"OMIGOD I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!" screamed a terrified Cless as he ran shrieking throughout the store back and forth only to be stopped by a swift backhand courtesy of Dhaos as he was sweeping the floor.

"I will request that you end this sick joke immediately."

"I'm not kidding!" Cless broke into hysterics "I really do think I'm pregnant!"

"That's impossible," Randal spoke as he entered the store, having only heard that last line "You're a boy, I think…"

"Feel here!" Cless pointed to his belly.

"I… I'd…. rather not…"

"C'mon Dhaos! Feel it! FEEL MY BABY."

"Tch, fine…" Dhaos reached and rubbed Cless' stomach "There, you hap… wait a minute…" he kept rubbing "that's… that's…THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Yeah ok Vegeta."

"Shut up Sephiroth, get over here and feel this!"

"Fine… wait… that's… that's… THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Great, this place is now Planet Vegeta revived…" Randal murmured.

"You mean to tell me," Dhaos inquired as he walked over to Randal "That you're not at all freaked out by the fact that Cless seems pregnant?"

"Not in the least. Besides, male pregnancy isn't as rare as you'd think."

"Oh really? Enlighten me."

"Well, Arnold Schwarzeneiger had a baby once. You ever see Junior?"

"That was a movie dude."

"What's your point? Those were convincing labor pains."

"My point is that… oh never mind. Cless, you cannot possibly be pregnant!" as soon as Dhaos finished that sentence there was a loud crash from near the entrance of the store. "Something" made Cloud trip over air.

"Oh my god…"

"What is it Randal?" Sephiroth uttered from behind the counter.

"Ho-lee shit. You got him pregnant you sick fuck!" Randal indignantly pointed at Cloud. "I don't fuckin' believe it!"

"Me? I uh… Nonsense, I couldn't possibly… maybe I did…" Cloud just kind of sat on the floor and trailed off on how to solve this dilemma.

"That doesn't change a thing," Heero began as he came out of the stock room, surprising everyone (Especially Randal who quickly hid his bestiality magazine) "today is to be treated as a normal work day. That is all." and Heero left as quick as he arrived.

"Come on Cloud, let's go manage the back room." began Cless, barely able to mask his own anger and frustration.

With that the two… "Parents to be" left to go to the back of the store. After just a little while a very dull arguing could be heard through the wall. Things like 'I thought you'd pull out' and 'It's not my fault you put out so easy' could be heard. Though, none of this really surprised any of the other employees, it was still quite unsettling.

Then, amidst the normal customers, there entered a new face. A very… foreign face.

"Do you guys gots any videos games that isn't for grandpa's and pussies?" he inquired to Sephiroth, who barely understood a word of that sentence.

"Well… we got Grand Theft Auto 435: More Debauchery." he replied.

"No no, that is dildos. I's looking for maybes a game that has somethings do with metal?"

"Like guitar hero?"

"Another grandpa's and pussie's video games you suggest me! I want game where you just kicks the asses of douche bags."

"Let me direct you to another associate." Sephiroth quickly pushed this barely intelligible bastard to someone more like him.

"Whoa, who the hell is this?" Dhaos asked, looking quite puzzled at the customer.

"My names is Skwissgaar."

At first Dhaos didn't know what to say to that butchered line of English. He quickly regrouped himself and asked

"And just where… the hell are you from?"

"Sweden, look, ares you going to points me to the good stuffs or what?"

"Holy shit…" Dhaos' mind was blown. Never in his life had he heard English that bad, well, not since most of this chapter anyway.

"Oh, hey Skwissgaar." Randal walked up to the counter where they were "How can I help ya?"

"Final, someone who isn't grandpa. I looking for games where you just kicks as much ass as possi bulls."

"Then you, my friend, want this." Randal handed him a copy of Doom3. "It's mindless, repetitive, violent, and has to do with hell. You'll love it."

"Do I get's to rocks out with this dome three?"

"You have no idea man, no idea. That'll be fives dollars… Er, five dollars."

"Why so cheap? You sures game isn't dildos?"

"No way man." the foreigner (no band reference intended… well, maybe a little) soon departed with his new (as he put it) 'Circulars objects of total ass footings'. Dhaos and Sephiroth were amazed at the way Randal handled this guy, and soon came to the conclusion that any and all calls from other countries were to be handled by Randal. (No rhyme intended… well, maybe a little.)

"All you have to do is look at the customer."

"What do you mean?" Sephiroth found no shame in his own curiosity.

"Well, what do you think when you see someone with spikey hair, black and pink clothing, a band t-shirt of some type, and fish net anything?"

"Loser? Wannabe? Poser? Faker?"

"Correct on all four counts. Now, with someone like this the first thing you should try to sell him or her is Guitar Hero. People like that kill for the chance to feel a little less pathetic."

"I see…" Sephiroth and Dhaos began clapping, quite pleased with Randal's people skills (Despite the fact that he's one of the world's biggest pricks) but just as everything was going smoothly, the phone rang. Moment ruiner.

"Randal dude, you take it and show us what to do!" Dhaos said, to which Sephiroth agreed.

"Fine, I'll put it on speaker so you can hear." Randal pressed the speaker button and almost immediately a Chinese man could be heard.

"Harro?"

"Hi, this is EB Games, what can we do for you."

"Well, I was wanting to know if you have any good game?"

"Mario Ping Pong." and with that Randal hung up the phone.

"I don't um… I don't think I quite understand." Sephiroth began, "Why ping pong?"

"Watch Forrest Gump, you'll understand."

"MY CROTCH IS BLEEDING!" came a loud scream from the door of the storage room. "IT'S COMING! THE BABY IS COMING!"

"In all my life, I have never heard of a one day incubation period." Randal thought.

"GET A FUGGIN' DOCTOR! MY CROTCH IS A RIVER OF BLOOD!"

Almost on cue, something very, very scary came from the other storage room. I mean something you would never, ever want to see during your time of peril. Especially a medial one. I'll give you a hint: It's wearing a green shirt and spandex, doctor's gloves, and points a gun at people all the time.

Enter Doctor Heero.

"Lay down, I'll pull it out. Human anatomy is probably just like computers."

"I er… I don't really think so sir." Cloud said very quietly, hiding behind Cless.

"Want to run that by me again?" Heero reached for his gun.

"WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DELIVER THIS GODDAMNED CHILD!!!" Cless acted as if someone casted berserk with a side of single mother on him.

"I'll close the blinds." Dhaos said.

"And I'll close the door." Spoke Sephiroth very officially.

"And I'll get the camera ready." Randal pulled a cam-corder out from under the counter. Why he kept it there, well, no one really knows.

Cless laid down, and Heero draped a blue tarp over him so no one else would have to see a naked Cless crotch. (Sorry fan girls) Cloud crouched next to Cless, like most you know, men do with WOMEN during normal births.

"Ok, I'm going to need you to push like iPod sucks." Heero had no qualms with spreading Cless's legs himself. Cless then proceeded to squeeze his abdomen and the living shit out of Cloud's hand.

"Oh, this is gold.," mumbled Randal quite please as he recorded from a safe distance.

After what seemed like hours of pushing it seemed like nothing would happen. More grunting, sweating, and other bodily functions I'd rather not describe took place. Possibly including but not limited to:

Puking, belching, gaseous exhaust, urination (from laughter), Cancer, Nausea, Heartburn, Upset Stomach, Indigestion, Diarrhea, Dislex-kia, Cerebral Palsy, Arthritis, Cramping, Menstrual Bloating, Fatigue, Apathy, Insomnia, Crack Addiction, Crying, Uncontrollable bladder, Free-Balling, AIDS, Diabetes, Malaria, Flu, Scurvy, Leprosy, Hepatitis, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Mad Cow Disease, Angry Colon Syndrome (ACS to the elite), and the bubonic plague.

"A head emerged! OH DEAR SWEET JESUS, A HEAD!" (We won't disclose just where from) pointed and yelled a horrified Dhaos.

"Wait a minute, why the hell is that head yellow?" Sephiroth spotted something funny about this child…

"I know what you mean, it kind of looks like…"

Without a word, or warning, Heero shoved his hand in the orifice (which will not be disclosed) and yanked the sphere from its holdings in the unnamed orifice.

"Let me wash it." Heero went to the back room, while he was gone a disoriented, possibly delusional from pain, Cless spoke in hushed whispers and loud yells.

" I don't recall… Just where I got this way… DESOLATE FIELDS! ROCKS! LOTS OF FUCKING ROCKS!… How did… FUCKED UP LOOKING TREES! BAD PLOTS! TOO MANY EPISODES!"

But luckily, Heero came back with a cloth soaked in some strange chemical, which he immediately pressed on Cless's face, which then fell unconscious; he did the same to Cloud.

"Is it a boy or girl?" Randal was almost giddy with curiosity as he asked Heero..

"Neither… it's an orange ball with three stars on it."

* * *

_Leo: XDDD What did I tell you neh? Distrubing. and they will only get worse... _


	13. Day 13

**EB Games Tech Support  
**_Chapter 13_

"I am so fucking confused…words cannot express this." Dhaos said, looking at the—now clean—sphere.

"Look, don't ask questions, and we don't have to have answers." Randal explained.

"Yeah…but…no…just…why?'

"What's going on?" Yazoo said chewing on the end of a pen until it broke splattered all over Sephiroth. He looked sheepishly at Sephiroth, who was looking ready to murder his ass.

"Cless gave birth to a dragon ball, it seems…" Heero stated, cleaning the glass case for the fourth time due to his ever so slight OCD case. Why Heero was still there was beyond everyone's understanding; but they didn't complain. No one complains in the presence of Heero.

"Run that by me again?" Yazoo blinked slowly.

"Yes…A dragon ball."

"And I missed this? Son. Of. A. Bitch." He stomped his foot, over pronouncing his words.

"Dude, it wasn't pleasant." Randal snorted, "more frightening than anything…but kind of expected really…I knew Cless and Cloud were fuck buddies."

"WAIT! This is impossible! IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Okay 'Vegeta' what's impossible?" Dhaos looked at Sephiroth who'd outburst in such a manner.

"It could not possibly have been Cloud's fault! Cloud's the bitch!"

"Divine Conception?"

"…Why the hell would God pick Cless over say, Reno? I mean he's girly enough to pass off and he's a better option than Cless!"

Reno's voiced echoed from the back room (where he eats and sleeps because he's probably homeless):"HEY!"

"God's a douche." Randal shrugged.

"Not according to Dogma. That God was pimp…it was just you that sucked." Sephiroth smirked.

"Fuck you man. I was a gun clerk, I know what weapons to buy to kill you." Randal threatened ineffectually.

"You know, that would really fucking suck. So be all powerful and shit and get killed by a pansy little 9 millimeter."

"Back to the question at hand. Just how the fuck did the dragon ball even get …there?"

"Some one either played a sick magical joke, or Cless and Cloud have a very fucked up sex life." Randal replied.

"Oh just fuck me, would you quit with all the gay referencing here? Keep it straight!" Dhaos sighed.

"You know, the Gay community is going to toast you like bread for saying that."

"Ah, what the fuck to do I care? The NAACP wants me dead anyway."

"You know," Sephiroth suggested, "I think it's something else entirely."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I think it's worse than divine conception, or Cloud and Cless being weirdos. It's the beginning of something even worse!!"

"What, you mean a plot?" Dhaos suggested.

"YES! A PLOT!"

"Holy shit, I was right?"

"YES! It makes perfect sense! We're having a bullshit plot thrown in as an afterthought! It always happens like this."

"Dude, you realize that plots don't just 'pop in' in real time right?"

"Real time? Dude, we've spent the last thirteen days in a store that doesn't close and has a broken clock. There is no real time." Randal snorted.

Sephiroth shook his head, "I'm serious guys. I think this is the beginning of something greater. I think we're supposed to find all the dragon balls!"

"Great…that's just fucking wonderful…It's bad enough we have to work in this hell hole, now we have to hunt dragon balls?"

"Could be worse." Cloud shrugged.

"I WILL NEVER WALK RIGHT AGAIN!" Cless wailed.

"…I see what you mean."

Yazoo sighed, "I guess this means I will have to get out my handy dandy-"

"NOTEBOOK!" Reno cut in loudly and Yazoo smashed him in the gut with an elbow.

"No, you dumb fuck," Yazoo replied smacking him once more with a rolled up magazine. "I mean my handy dandy dragon ball Radar."

"What the hell? You have one?" Dhaos' mouth hung open a little.

"Tch, yeah."

"Where'd you get that?" Sephiroth asked, "Oh god don't tell me you pulled that out of your ass too."

"I was going to…but I think we've gotten enough disturbing action out of Cless giving birth, besides….I don't like pain."

"Pansy."

"Oh, go shit a dragon ball."

"Your mom!" Sephiroth clasped his hand over his mouth upon the realization that Yazoo was also a product of 'mother'. "I'm sorry, mother." He said feebly.

And somewhere from the depths of the refrigerator, in a glass pickle jar, a sliver of Jenova's liver radiated the telepathic message of: "You bastard son!"

"What the hell people, get with it. We have a mission!" Randal said in mock enthusiasm.

"Mission?" Heero's ears perked and his brain shut off and went on autopilot.

"Yes, Heero. We're looking for the ninth world wonder. We NEED to find it. It's life or death." Dhaos whispered and before he could pronounce the 'th' sound on the last letters of 'death', Heero was gone.

"Do you think he'll find it?"

"He's Heero. He'll find it."

"….There is no ninth world wonder…." Randal blinked.

"Heero will find it anyway."

"Guuuuuuuys." Yazoo came barreling back into the room, because apparently he had left and no one noticed it. "There's a new game out!"

"Ooh! Is it Dead or Alive 46?"

"…That's next week numb nuts…. But seriously… I don't know whether to kill the creators or myself!"

"That bad eh?"

"It's worse than a Naruto/One Piece/Death Note cross over."

"Oh…bad."

"Yeah… It's called Final Fantasy 7 remake."

Sephiroth scowled and threw an Xbox at Yazoo, because we all know that's all Xboxes are useful for.

"Kidding! Actually, it's a Sonic game."

"Oh no… say it isn't so…" Dhaos gasped.

"Oh yes…Sonic Shuffleboard."

"I guess Mario couldn't have all of the fun." Randal sighed, picking up the phone that had been ringing in the background for last four days. Persistent bastard. "What?"

'Can you tell me the cheat code for unlocked the secret weapons in Soul Caliber III?'

"What the hell? Who do you think this is, Game Stop?!"

'….Actually….Game Stop bought out EB Games, man.'

"WELL NOT US. Because we protest the greater of society. Victim of corporation sellout we are NOT. We're the last of the EB Games! And stand shamefully and lazily we fucking will! To hell with Game Stop! Can you jackhammer PS3s in a Game Stop? Or look at porn? Or sell your soul to SATAN. No sir you cannot. And we don't give out cheat codes here you lazy gamer. That's what the Internet cheat code sites are for. We, here at EB Games, exist to demean you and make you feel small and insignificant. Our goal in life is to not give a shit. So what do you have to say about that?!"

'…Well can you help me in World of Warcraft?'

Click, said the phone.

"World of Warcraft is the end of conversationalism."

"That isn't a word Randal."

"To hell with you, gay boy!" Randal threw a roll of paper towels at Cloud.

"Oh, guys did you hear that they're opening a Suncoast across the way? We'll be able to see it from out front window. Movies ga-fucking-lore." Sephiroth sounded giddy.

"Hey…I heard it was a Claire's…"

"You're both wrong." Reno grinned, coming from the back of the store with a smile that could scare small children away. "It's a Spencer's."

"Spencer's? NO fucking way?!"

"Oh yes way."

"Nothing better than a store that carries Boob coffee mugs and penis enlargers." Dhaos spoke as if nothing was wrong with that sentence. At all. And there isn't. Because everyone loves coffee mugs with Boobs. Right?

…No?

Liar.

"That's relief…" Randal breathed. "Claire's has about eighty percent of my soul."

"Why?"

"Everyone knows if you walk into Claire's you forfeit a portion of your soul. I made the mistake of walking in there once. I was drunk and thought the shiny objects were fish."

"Never mind…don't tell me more. I don't want to know."

"We should go over to Spencer's when it's opened." Yazoo suggested.

"What about the dragon balls?"

"Oh…that's right. Inane plot device. Damn it. Isn't there a way to get around it?"

Dhaos thought a moment and snapped his fingers when the idea hit him. "I know! We'll teach ourselves to fly in one episode, then we'll travel around the world in half an hour, battling Dinosaurs to get to the precious over sized marbles."

"The sarcasm is almost painful."

"Actually I was serious, Sephiroth."

"Really? Awesome!"

"Wait a minute..." Reno blinked, "Sephiroth can already fly! That's not fair!"

"I can fly too you numb nuts." Dhaos threw a CD case at the red head. "But the more important matter here is that we must find a way around this 'plot' device."

"Plot devices can't be beaten, my friend." Randal waved his finger, as if he seriously knew what the hell he was talking about. Which meant he probably didn't know what he was talking about. But he's Randal. He's funny. So we forgive him.

"Says who?"

"Says GOD." Randal snorted, as if the answer was that obvious.

"You don't even believe in god!"

"Well today I do for the sake of my argument. But seriously man, beating a plot device would take more time than actually going along with it! Unless it's Dragon Ball Z. Then there's no fucking hope in the world. I'm thinking maybe the whole universe WAS supposed to die in that series...It'd probably be the only way that series would ever end. I mean fuck. After a three year long day goes by you'd think they'd hang up the towel and say fuck it. I'm thinking it would have been more merciful for that apeshit pink blob of a villain to just fuck up existence. Hell, I think it was pimp that he could turn things into candy and eat them. I bet you'd taste great as a candy." Randal said to Reno.

"Are you hittin on me?"

Randal shook his head and popped a donut peice in his mouth. "Nah, I'ma wait until you get your sex change. Then I'm totally for it. You'd make a hot fucking chick, man." He snorted and popped another donut peice. "But that's all beside the point. The point is, we're being instructed by an unknown force that we can't see, to do things we don't want to. We don't get to say 'no', man."

"Oh my god...we're being puppeteered by fnfiction writers aren't we!" Cloud gasped.

"That must be it!" Shrieked Cless.

Randal smacked Cless and Cloud with a large paper fan, "No you numb nuts! I'm talking about God again! Get with the program!"

"Actually...I think they were probably closer to the truth...Since God doesn't exist and all."

"Since when do you agree with Blonde Fuck Thing One and Blond Fuck Thing Two? Dhaos, I always thought you were the smartest one of this bunch!"

"Come on...is it that hard to believe? I mean have you LOOKED at the internet? There's a lot of crazy people on there!"

"Yeah! And there's a lot of porn too! But does that make a damn bit of difference?!"

"...Actually..."

"Fuck you, man."

"I do get what you mean. Maybe if we finish this 'plot' fast...we can go back to doing nothing and getting recognition for it."

"We don't get recognition..." Sephiroth corrected.

"FINE. We can go back to NOT getting recognition. Is that what you wanted to hear? You whiny bitch." Dhaos frowned and threatened Sephiroth with a spork.

"But...how can we complete this task...This means we'll have to actually leave the store! I'm not equipped for life outside this twenty by thirty box stacked with shit video games on all sides! This is my very existence." Yazoo spoke with a bit of distain for his pitiful means of existing. "And before you call me a drama queen, I just stole the fucking words out of Sephiroth's mouth!"

"You tattle tale-ing whore." The silver haired fangirl plaything balled up his fist.

"Don't hurt me..." Yazoo whimpered.

"Oh knock it off. Both of you have been outside the store before. You're just being lazy."

Sephiroth and Yazoo looked at each other and nodded in agreement. Yazoo turned to face Randal. "Yup...you're right. We are."

"So hypothetically speaking, we could just wait until all of the Dragon Balls come to us." Reno snapped his fingers.

"You realize that...probably isn't a bad idea..." Randal nodded. "That we we can accomplish being lazy, while not accomplishing our mission. So it's like we're successfully sucking at life."

"We were doing that already." Dhaos coughed.

"So...what do we do now?" Reno said, hopping atop the counter to grab Randal's bag of donuts.

"..That's a good fucking question. While I know we should be doing our jobs...that just doesn't sound like something I really want to do."

"Work never is, Randal." Elias said, coming out of viritually Bumfuck Nowhere.

"Could be worse...you could be working at a Burger King." Yazoo pointed out.

"Depends on if I get free food...Then again...if I'm going to work in fast food, I at least want to work at McDonalds. I want to be able to viably say that I kill people a little more every day just by doing my job...Of course...I could just work in a tobacco shop or sell Cocaine or Heroin."

"Or sell Satanic Bibles." Yazoo added.

"That's not lethal." Sephiroth frowned.

"Try selling it to Christains. See how lethal it is. Because apparently it's okay to kill in the name of God."

"Oh...then next time I kill someone, I'll just say it was the will of God." Dhaos chuckled. "And I will probably get away with it too."

"It depends on who you're killing." Randal added.

"Martha Stewart and OJ."

"Oh, okay, then you're totally justified. But if you like, went after Oprah or Mother Teresa, then you're just a jackass."

Reno jumped back and gasped, "Are you MAD! Oprah is a DRAGON man. I'm telling you, she's got more HP than all of us combined and she knows the most super powerful ultra dangerous, instant defeat bombtastic spell ever invented! She knows 'Middle Age Woman Wrath'. There is no defeating that. It's like a plot device. Unkillable. Not to mention, she can summon the Pope. Yes, the Pope. Her power is that Supreme. I'm telling you, she's the true Boss battle man. No creator is daring enough to design her into a game. The only opposing power in this universe that can combat with her is Chuck Norris."

"Dude, you need to take a chill pill." Randal snatched his donut bag back. "While you are correct, you still need to take a chill pill."

"Holy fuck...Straight ahead guys. Someone brave enough to come in here with the intent to buy something!" Exclaimed Sephiroth, pointing to a young woman who almost got her ass kicked by the front door that kept swinging back into her.

"Excuse me, uh...ma'am...I think you're in the wrong store..." Randal coughed lightly. The girl looked like she wouldn't know shit about anything other than a nonfiction novel, let alone the new age video game systems.

"No...no no...I think I'm in the right store."

"Okay...what are you looking for?"

"Uh...I'm looking for a game...for my brother." She said in a small voice. "It's called Halo 3...I think."

Everyone looked at each other an contemplated actually selling this poor chick such an obnoxious game. Dhaos stepped up first. "You know...you could always find a big pile of dog shit to stuff into a CD case and it'll be just like giving him the original." He blurted before he could catch himself. He was actually aiming, like everyone else, to sell that last copy they had in the store. So for the first time ever they could actually be telling the truth when they said they were sold out. "I mean...Yeah...we have the last copy."

"You do?"

"Yeah, but we're only trading sex for it." Randal said nonchalantly before he choked on his cigarette after realizing what he said and then remembering that he stopped smoking. "I mean...fuck...we're terrible sales people. "Look, here's the deal...we need to find these things...they're called Dragon Balls. You bring us one and we'll give you the game."

The girl suddenly looked up angrily, her clever disguise of a weak little girl dropped, "you will give me the game now."

Everyone froze.

"Aw fuck...you're..."

"FIREBALL!" She screamed and blew up half the store. She darted to the last copy of the game and shamefully.

"You know...you didn't have to lie!" Randal shouted through coughs. "We wouldn't have thought less of you...okay...yes we would have...but fuck. Next time come up with a good disguise!"

"Yeah...like Cloud, " Sephiroth called.

"Guys, she's gone." Yazoo pointed.

"But why the fuck does Lina Inverse want Halo 3? And why did she have to go sorcerer Bitch on us? You know how long it's going to take to clean this fucking mess?" Dhaos said holding out his arms dramatically.

"Since we don't clean...it'll take something of a hundred years..." Sephiroth giggled.

"Dude, don't giggle. It's gay."

"WHOA! Guys! My Dragon Ball Radar is going off!" Yazoo gasped, and waved his arms frantically. "It's beeping faster! Holy crap! Where's it coming fro-". He looked up to see none other than Laura Croft come through the half charred store door, probably after Dhaos's head for distributing porn of her to hundreds of websites. He looked down at the radar again and blinked. "Whoa...actually there are two Dragon Balls and they're real closer together! Where are they-"

Everyone looked at Laura, except Dhaos, who was hiding under a broken peice of ceiling.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Randal gaped.

"Look, I know she had some nice polygons but..." Yazoo said lowly.

"How the fuck are we going to get those Dragon Balls! I'm not getting arrested for feeling up Laura Croft's breasts!" Sephiroth whispered.

"Well...whose stupid enough to feel up the Tomb Raider?" Randal asked. Everyone paused and looked over slowly at Reno.

"...Oh come on..." Reno whined.

**To be Continued...**

* * *

_Leo: sorry for the long wait guys. I just still can't believe that people like this fic XD_


End file.
